Fat Country, Thin Culture

[thebellydancer69]

Thanks for the welcome back. It is strange how when you don't have certain people around you anymore you can lose weight quicker. I guess my sister isn't hee to couch or complain. I dropped a few pounds this week by avoid food altogether for 3 days. What I thought was fascinating was that I didn't need the Adipex at all. I ate food today and yesterday and gained half a pound back. I don't want my thighs to continue rubbing together so I will be back on tomorrow. I feel better about the fasting now since the kids don't care and I am not telling anyone that I am fasting. People always want to impede my progress. I figure I will go 5 days this time and get on the elliptical for an hour a day. I was trying to do 2 hours when I wasn't fasting and figure I would pass out if I tried do that much on a fast. Also, I am drinking senna tea and that helps flush me out. It is an herbal laxative and I drink it at night before I go to bed. I like it, but I can't weigh myself after I use the bathroom because I end up weighing more. I only see a weight drop when I go number 1. That is nasty.. Anyway I have to go and do a paper and some laundry.

[nashinflash]

Hawaii has got to be the best place for fruits, veggies, fish eat the japanese stuff. stay away from the chinese. Hawaiian food is not so bad as long you dont eat the rice and spam or anything from the manapua truck.

[thebellydancer69]

[thebellydancer69]

Well,

I have read the online journal again for the MC http://yestheyrefake.net/lemonade_diet_cleanse_journal.htm and have decided to embark on this diet once again. I was foiled by my family who have become a 50/50 situation when it comes to helping my diet. On one hand, they buy me stuff to help me with whatever I am trying to do and on the other hand, they tell me how the things I do to lose weight are not helping me. It is funny because dieting and exercising feels good on my heart, but doesn't tighten me up like it used to so I need to come down. The sad part is I lost 10lbs when my sister left and gained them all when she came back. I guess my family is the common denominator when it comes to my weight gain. I am going to chronicle my time on the cleanser because it isn't about losing weight all together...I need to cleanse my intestines of the toxins. I am going to drink the tea tonite (Senna herbal), which is technically the start, but I do the full day tomorrow.

TTFN

[nashinflash]

let me know if that tea works i am so desperate i saw recent pictures of me last night and i am so fat particularly my arms! that is so gross. i have lost about 13 pounds and i still look so gross not much of a difference. Where do you purchase that lemonaide from could you get it from a drug store or a grocery store or do i have to go to health food store?

[thebellydancer69]

Here I am again...

Another 2 months later and near 180 lbs. Unfortunately I have been on a binge the last 2 days. The worst part about it is why I have been on a binge. It is because around the the end of May, early June, I met a guy 14 years my senior. I have often been afraid of older men and didn't want to meet anyone over 40...then he comes along. I have been technically dating for the past 3 weeks. He not perfect and he is my type by height. I can't describe it but he does everything right. He is mentally stimulating, which I find physically stimulating. The problem is I got a one-way ticket out of Hawaii on July 7th and there is nothing I can do about it. I began crying sporadically after one week of dating him. He became a reason for me to stay in Honolulu when all I wanted to do was leave and never look back. I realized this weekend that I hit the 2 week mark before my departure and I have been binging 3 days straight.
After eating half a bag of uncooked cookie minibites I realized that yesterdy I at the first half with an entire XL veggies pizza with a regular coke. I haven't have a regular coke in ages I can't even remember when. I recently made a switch to veganism 2 months ago and wasn't working out, but my weight hit a plateau. However, whenever I worked out, which was rare for some reason, my weight would drop 2-3 pounds. I have only been doing it 2x a week now. Very confused and emotional, but not depressed. Why am I binge eating? I described what was going on to my friend and she told me that I hadn't fallen in love with living in HI, but I might be falling in love with him.
With this in mind, I figured I would try to lose 20lbs in the next two weeks. I have done it before, but I need to lose as much as possible before I leave. I feel like I am doing it for him although he never focuses on my weight or size in any way. To make matters worse I looked up an actress from one of my recently found fav movies that came on IFC, "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls". Cynthia Myers was the girl who fell in love with another girl in the film, but I noticed she was my size when I was 17 yo.
The only difference was the surgical scar on my stomach and the thicker thighs because of my muscles. I didn't want to be her but I noticed her stats: 39DD-24-36, 5'3" and 119lbs. At 17 yo, I was 38DD-24-36, 5'2" and 129lbs. I carried extra in my breast and thighs, but she reminded me of my former self. I want that body back. I took it for granted then, but I won't now. I vow now before my 31 birthday, I will have that body back. I don't need a nutritionist or a personal trainer, just a dermatologist. I need to feel comfortable in my own skin both literally and figuratively. The guy I met suggested I see a dermatologist if I have such sensitive skin. I had the benefits to see one and a paycheck and I sat on it the whole time. I didn't make the best of Hawaii while I was here. I hate to admit how I lived in the 2nd healthiest state in the U.S. and I did nothing for myself. I did make a decision to try and train for a figure event and yet I now 25lbs heavier than when I got here. It wouldn't have been too hard to do; go out walking for a half hour before work, stop taking cabs out of laziness (I must have blown $300-400 doing that), not using the elliptical like I planned in my bedroom, and be firmer with my sister about my eating habits (stop letting her make me weak). Thank goodness she has now decided to go organic vegan after I showed her the lightlife website. I want to get excited about my life and get out more. I can probably do the 20lbs this 2 weeks if I use my ana journal, but I got to stop procrastinating about it. Not my weight or working out, but about my life.
So this is my vow (not committment....I can neither keep them or spell it): No more than 155 by July 7th and at least one visit to the dermatologist. I will up the ante and not check my weight until Saturday night before bed. I wish everyone who does and does not read this luck with their weight and their lives.
FIN

[the shmoo]

hey there

just read your post, and I send you lots of hugs and !!!!
you can do it, and it's good that you're so determined
we're all here to support you, as well concerning your heart ache. my heart is a messy furball too at the moment, so let's be strong together and invest all this energy into reaching our goals...

love, shmooi

[thebellydancer69]

Thanks shmoo

I didn't get on the scale today because I have my period. I know it will look like my weight hasn't moved because of it. I only had applesauce and some tea today. Thank goodness for Adipex.

[thebellydancer69]

I'M BAAAAAAAAACK.
Okay so I didn't lose the weight. My break this summer was killed by my time in those graduate classes. I am not upset about it because I did pass both classes, but it interfered with sight seeing in Minneapolis, going to the clubs in NYC, my visist in MS, and the first week of my two week visit in Honolulu at my man's house. I can't believe I get to say that now. My spiritual consultant says my life will be full of changes. Also, that my manfriend is a keeper and is grateful to have me in his life. The feeling is mutual. Anyways, I am going to try and get that body back (Cynthia Myers physique) and fix the skin I am in so I can feel better about myself. I am currently in El Paso and I am not liking it too much. I am not fluent in Spanish and I haven't found a job yet. I think I want to temp until a school position kicks in so I won't go broke. Right now, I am trying to figure out how to work out without my elliptical or weights. I am going to have to look up exercises that use the body as resistance. I found out I get a better burn if I weight train before cardio. I am just going to get some 3lb. weights and try to cut back on what I am eating. I am meat free at last, but the most that did was keep me from blowing up. However I have a problem with overeating now that there is no meet to fill me up.I am going to have to load up on water. Especially since I started breaking out on my face with pimples when it was time for me to leave Honolulu. My birthday is the 29th of this month. I just need to cut back and take vitamins. I have 3 phentermine left from pillbar and will use them this weekend before starting the alli combined with liquid fusion program. My workout routine is the Walk it Out video that is all over the net with Gwen Vernon. Well, I gotta go check on my things. I will keep you updated

Aloha

[thebellydancer69]

There is a link to a woman supporting pro-ana nation. She blames the media for disorder/lifestyle because the women we focus on as thinspiration are considered beautiful in the eye of the public. Do a search on youtube for pro ana nation.

[thebellydancer69]

It is hard for understand what happened to my post. My last two posts didn't make it on here and I don't know what is up, but I will try again. Right now I am really binging on anything. I know my family is confused as to why the food is disappearing quicker than usual and I feel like shit. I went on calories per hour and found if I ate about 600 calories a day and burned off 1100 calories a day, I could lose 50 lbs in 6 weeks. I am going on the master cleanser next week and will do that for 10 days to see what happens. As a matter of fact, I could do that the day after tomorrow if I find a store that sells organic maple syrup. I only plan to do it for 10 days so I wont worry about peptic ulcers or anything.

[thebellydancer69]

Over a week ago, I moved with my family to a new house. I found the scale which now sits outside my bedroom door. I made the mistake of getting on it. I found that I was almost 200 pounds. now I need to lose 71 pounds instead of 40 pounds. I am tired of this...I don't have any more phentermine I used one of the 2 I had left. This summer left me little opportunity to work out. I spent more time concenrating on class than I did working out and look where it got me. I am so disgusted with myself. I knew something was wrong because my chin begin to look different. I don't advocate being a slave to the numbers on your scale, but having in did keep my weight under control. It would take me a 1 mo 20 d to get down to 143 if I eat 1000 and burn 1000. I feel positive that I can do this. Plus I notice those dates would put me at that weight on New Years Day. Right now I need to challenge myself to control my calorie intake. My sister was complaining as she always does about my eating habits. She said I was eating alot of junk food. She might be 5'5.5 and 123 lbs. with good lean body mass, but she gets a lot of shit for loving her body and wearing a size 5. Our mother has a small waist and always will no matter what she weighs. My sister and I inherited that as well. I told her yesterday that her waist is small and she needs to proud of it because having people not like you for being small and athletic looking is jealousy. In my case having people not like you for being obese leaves you open to ridicule and insults. Now I am a girl, but I feel I would look cuter if I was shorter because I am 5'2" and I don't feel good about myself at this size. I guess I could have found a way to work around the weight gain while traveling I think it is partly b/c of my man, but I take that as a secondary cause of gain. My primary cause was me. Me and my sister bought these weights that I never really use to start an at home gym and she used them more than I did. I bought an elliptical and it started to collect dust in my BEDROOM. Can you believe I have an opportunity to work out at home I squander it. I stopped being vegan yesterday because my body needs as much protein as it can get right now. I think I can make it through the day on soy protein shakes now that we found the parts for the magic bullet. Plus the new house has steps and my bedroom is the only one on the below ground floor. Also, I feel that one I find a job the activity level in my life will pick up. So even though my weight is at its highest I am trying to believe that I can change my life. It doesn't help that we moved from Honolulu to El Paso (gosh I hate the desert)...in fact it has added to my depression making gain extra weight since I got here. However, I am going to look for online challenges for holiday weight goals and keep reading oxygen. I must admit this magazine is the best for women who don't want body fat plus they tell you how to EAT CLEAN, which is a strictly healthy was to eat. They all say it is the food that keeps muscle from showing. I noticed those 40 something women still look hot and toned in a bikini and they all say at least 80% of their body's fitness is because of eating a clean diet. So the verdict: restricting and binging work, but if you want to look tight and have little body fat, you gotta eat clean and lift weights. It is harder for me b/c African-American culture (father side) is not as healthy as West Indian culture (mother side) so I gotta find my own equilibrium. Now, I am off to find a Thanksgiving challenge. Good luck everyone and I quote myself in saying "Don't feel sinner, for wanting to be thinner, if it makes you feel like a winner".

P.S. Don't let anyone in your social circle make you feel okay to be big, especially if it makes you feel like crap. I am speaking from experience.

[thebellydancer69]

Okay so Turkey Day has come and gone and I lost 2lbs during the holiday. I am now down to 189, which is 6lbs away from my short term goal of 183. I am contemplating whether or not to do the MC/Lemonade Diet this week. I am wondering how long it will take for me to get to the 119 I set for myself. I seem to like multiples of 2 so my short term goals are multiples of 2. I did a lot of vacuuming and sleeping today which added to my workout regimine. So this week my goal weight will be 182 because the numbers add up to 2; I am trying to stick to my numerology theme. Here is my goal weight breakdown.

End of November: 182 (minimum)
XmasGW: 173 (minimum)
NYGW: 164 (minimum)

[thebellydancer69]

Damn! Damn! Damn!
I don't know what to do...the weight won't move. Now the scale say 192 and I have been trying hard. I need to go buy an appetite suppressant tomorrow. I don't have anymore phentermine left and I said I wanted to lose 30 by Xmas. WTF? I am too short to be this big and it simply is not healthy. I feel disgusting. I am going to have to take the weight loss up a notch. Listen to weight loss hypnosis at night, working out 3 hours a day and no more than 800 calories a day. Also, I need to take something to help suppress my appetite. I keep eating....I am trying to control myself now from eating, but it is hard. I want to do the cleanser again, but I don't know how to stay on it. I don't want to binge at night. I need so much help right now. It is bad enough I am broke, recently single, and stuck in the desert with no where to go. I understand that people have it worse than me, but I can't stand to see my face right now. I tried to find my old food journal; the one that helped me get down to 138.5, but I guess I have to start a new journal.

[thebellydancer69]

I had a scary moment the day before yesterday. I got up in the morning and was going to eat breakfast only with a glass of diet coke. For some reason, the coke shifted gears on me and I had immediate constipation and bloating. I thought my stomach was going to explode. I tried to write it off as that until my body broke out into a feverish sweat. I couldn't stand up straight and my ass hurt. WTF?!?! & It wasn't until I saw that my sister had some Gas-X in her bathroom that I started to get some relief. I was better the next day, but still bedridden. What the hell was that? I am starting to get the same feeling tonight, which is what is urging me to start the Master Cleanser tomorrow. I feel like it is a good way to clear out whatever is going on in there. Well, wish me luck.