cold hands

[mäusepfote]

hi, where in germany come you from? i live in the south, near ulm.
since yesterday i have holidays too and i´m really happy about this. the only problem i have this days: i´m too scared to weigth myself. i mean, it would be the hell for me to weight more than the last time and that was 48kg. i know this is not this much, but ooooohhhhhhh, i´m going to be fat again

are you by icq? mabey we can write on this...
please write back...

[kinxofmetal]

mäusepfote wrote:

hi, where in germany come you from? i live in the south, near ulm. since yesterday i have holidays too and i´m really happy about this. the only problem i have this days: i´m too scared to weigth myself. i mean, it would be the hell for me to weight more than the last time and that was 48kg. i know this is not this much, but ooooohhhhhhh, i´m going to be fat again are you by icq? mabey we can write on this... please write back...

hey mäusepfote, i wanted to write you in your journal but you havent got one right? so.. hope you'll read this otherwise i'll send a pm anyday.
i live near stuttgart.
yes it's my second day of holiday today awesome!
i am wondering how old and how tall you are?? read you're 1.75m is that right? i was not really concentrated so.. sorry.


yes i've got icq, send me your number please and i'll add you.
so..

hello world, today i am happy. i am really happy. that ios great lol yes smalltalk. however nothing special on here, keep going, guys!
haiky.

[kinxofmetal]

whatever may be up i dont care. two days ago i contrived a diet plan. i am not sure even if i am brave and strong and willing enough to follow but i... i just have to.
having any kind of an eating disorder sucks. someday you talk about shit like having "ana" and ana your best friend inside your head and you can conquer the world, you wonderful thin perfect being, you have to take care, you'll soon look like the bony pink girl. the next day you feel as if you suffor from (maybe the worst of all kinds) dont know... dict says gluttony. mh what i mean is you fight against everything with food. then you feel horrible and comfort yourself with - right - food. your stomach hurts but you were never a fan of vomitting and you're just too poor to buy any diet pills eliminating fat of your stomach - ew. so... to do anything you can try to burn it with sports or to comfort yourself with laxes.
because a fatty cannot run anymore you choose the laxavatives. the only problem: you know you can become addicted and those pills dont do anything but sorting out water and minerals and that stuff from your body. the creepy calories, the fat, the dietr fibers and what ever is still in your ugly and fat and white flesh, no use apart for meat.

i think that is what it takes.
who can talk about
THINSPIRATION take a look on this well-known website beginning with y and ending with outube for "thinspration". girls at the age of 12 produced some vids with always the same girls - models and that stuff.
# of course there is some thinspiration letting feel you ugly and mad and you just get the feeling i can spit in their faces, i'll show them what CONTROL really means.
but most of those girls just steal some pics you know so well and make a film. then they feel like being anorexic and they feel PERFECT THIN and often like little rebels. i know that for sure because my little cousin was doing this. i do not really care anymore what has happened, yes, little selfish me has enough to worry about.

WHAT A FUCK

whomever out there go out for shopping, crush you into clothes you should fit in, and - damn! - HAVE A LOOK IN ALL THE MIRRORS in front of you, the one behind you, the one to your right and the left one. STARE AT YOU in all those positions - and then you see why a think this diet-plan -damnit- must work.

so far, i daily fight against food - still.
maybe i should be able to say YET but... however. i let it be.
thanks for your attention.

[kinxofmetal]

i had 8 weeks to lose 8kg. now i've got 6, and those another 6kg to go.
wnated to ask if somebody would join me, but i hadnt have the time for come to post on here, so seems like i do this alone.

just IF somebody cared. i dont think so.

in 6 weeks summer holiday in the northern part of germany (where i live) will start. and i have to look good.

was in spain 2 weeks ago. and we stayed there for 2 weeks. i am a brownie
mh so... that'S all. because nobody is going to read this, that should be enough.

haiky.

[Rose]

[kinxofmetal]

HURRAAAA!
SUPER AWESOME ROSE!

the first one after a longlong time READING AND ANSWERING my posts!

and i think yes, you ARE RIGHT_ i feel so f*cking lonely, i am not older than the other if you think of the age, i am still one of the young bunnies BUT
all those guys with us are away. i miss many of them.

my stats are 1.68m and 55kg.

yes i gained but now i am back for good.

[Rose]

1.68m and 55kg? you dont have a very long way to go before your become underweight. whats your GW? I'm sure that you look perfect, not too big and not emaciated either.

i miss the others too but they are slowly coming back to ana and to the forum- they always do, ana unfortunatly doesnt leave anyone alone for too long.

Rose

[kinxofmetal]

i know i dont have a too long way. but me underweight -
man, my bmi is anywhere between 19 and 19.5 .
depends of who you trust in.
the chart of a german health- organisation says


heavy underweight_ 16,7
underweight_ 17,8
normal bmi_ 20,3
overweight_ 22,8
heavy overweight_ 24,2

(female, 16 years)

i dont get it. everyone says something else_ BUT they all have in common that <18 is pretty thin.

so i still have to lose until i'm 48.
i dont want to be extremly unhealthy underweight, but underweight... yes!
what i dream of is 48kg, a bmi of 17. not unhealthy but thin, perfect.
soooo today still 7kg to go.
only 5 weeks and 3 days are left- no problem- in those 5 weeks i want to lose 5 kg, to go on holiday
bmi_ 18
weight_ 50kg

that should be fine.
i'll go to switzerland together with about 70 other kids at the age 14 to 19. it'll be funny. was there last year. when i went there i was 52kg, came home_ 48kg.

at that time i dreamed of becoming 43kg, bmi 16 (was 165cm).

it never got that far, thanks to my cousin and her fam, they ruined everything (spent a week with them, they always told me
,,haiky, come on! EAT! or your mother will think we haven't give you any food! " and all those stupid stuff)

i have to say now i dont look that stupid, but there we are. THAT stupid. but i look STUPID. and that is really too much.
-.-

enough of that.

[kinxofmetal]

aaahm, well, i doing good, what doesnot mean perfect.-
i lose weight - slowly, too slow. what's wrong? i dont eat that much ghrrrrr!
mad-
but we'll see, we'll see.
my life could almost not be any better. there are some points, i'd like to change_
1) i call tim my boyfriend
2) my size: (at least) -3sizes
3) i have better marks.

soo... the first point_ isnot unrechable or sth else_ tomorrow i'll see him for three days. not too long, but... y'a know. and i'll go on a trip to switzerland with him in august i think if we arent a couple after the trip, we'll never be. in that case i'd dis-love me from him
second_ i'm going my way. and what if it took another 4 years? who cares?
third_ there are three weeks in school left. yes i know, i should have realized my bad marks earlier! soo..- who cares? i'll go to school for another 4 years. i have enough time.

so far, so good.
love, haiky.

[kinxofmetal]

i've noticed you around
i find you very attractive
i've noticed you around
i find you very attractive
i find you very attractive
would you go to bed with me...

i've noticed you around
i find you very attractive
would you aow...........

i've noticed you around
i find you very attractive
would you aow......

aow...would you go to bed with me

i've noticed you around
i find you very attractive
i've noticed you around
aow.......


dude, i think i post it yesterday ... but today it is gone. mhmmmm
however.
i'm ok. and right now i lose weight. not to hard but you can see it.
this is me, found it yesterday.
me, last summer in switzerland.
2 more weeks and i am there again.
think my pants look too big for my legs. man, this is hot. not my face, my blonde hair (has been red dyed for almost a year now!)



so far.
hugs,
haiky.

[L_Z]

Hi Haiky. Sorry I've been away for so so long, but it's just...first of all, haven't still got the computer, but that's not the real reason...been afraid to come here or anything, 'cause I don't know what'sup with me now. Hope you are doing ok, you said your current weight is 55kg? that's fine...i've been gaining, have been up to 57!kgs for 2 months at least. I do fel better now about myself, when I said i that e-mail ages ago that i'm not sick anymore, that was too positive but now i feel quite...hm...normal. The thing is, that i looked at the private forum and your journal, and i miss it all so much. Can you see how crazy that is? I don't want to get worse again, but all i can remember about the worst ana-period is happiness. I have figured out that it must be thet at the time ana and this website were my only safety-nets, things that made me safe. I know that all the time i was hurting myself and unhappy about how i looked like, but i can't remember it. That sounds kinda weird...i'm at my mum's house now for couple of days, hope to talk to ya in messenger...I'll be online at evenings mostly. Hoping to hear about you and wish you are ok...lots of love, L


edit: it just came into my mind, but now that i've been 7months without cigaettes, it feels the same. I don't want to go there again, but there's always the same longing for the smoking, like for weight-loss and all the stuff including. it came to me when I saw my own signature just now...50kgs! i have been so small! i loved it when i could change that signature. I really miss being hungry. I don't feel like eating today anymore.

[kinxofmetal]

Liiiiiz!!! You dont have to say sorry,you know... i just love to hear something from you!

things on here have changed. i dont know how many guys register themselves every day, but all are gone. all i knew. i'm so glad to hear from you!

hope, we can talk! (right after reading the lines i logged in )

right now i am 56kg. so have gained again. but it doesnt matter.
today was my first day at my new working place for the rest of my holiday (3 weeks). i work in a big store. i sell sausages or the like. hoped, that i was going to hate meat, but no way. when i came home i had to eat meatmeatmeat. but i dont have any time to eat at work. of course i have breaks. but i use them to read or to smoke.

yeah, you have ended up with cigarettes! gratulations!
i feel like i am going to start a smoker-life.
i hate my life.

was in switzerland for tim. found an other guy. micha is his name. he is really cute. but now we have been a couple for 4 days today, ha ha, not that much because we kissed when the trip was quite over.
he is so perfect. okay, not really. he is not perfect. and i love that.

but there is a little mistake in our "love-story". i am swabian and he is bavarian. that means 224km distance between each other.
well, the states are much bigger and those vacation-relationships always end up with too big distances, mh, well, but i really love him. yes, i do.
at least i think so.
mh what about tim? i discovered i am not that much in love as i thought. but fortunetly i knew that before i went on this trip. lucky me.

little mistake about micha. i am not sure about his... connection to hitler. he has a teeny right wing touch. but we'll see.
if he was a neo-nazi i had to break off. i could never go with a nazi, i am left.

but... we'll see, we'll see.



i miss those times, too. i know i haev to lose weight. at least 8 kg. then i was a 48. that is not only possible, but necessary.

so far.
i love my signature.

it's from last year i think. hmpf...

[Rose]

Hello Haiky!

Sorry i havent been posting as often as i should sweetie, OMG! you look tiny in that pic, at 5'4, you look WAY smaller than 55kg: you must be beautifully toned

[L_Z]

Hi...first day at work (in my old school). Watching 3 12-year-olds to write with computer...too easy. Great that you've found that mischa...hope you'll be ok. I've reached some control now past few last days in the eating. tough it's drinking i should cut down, i've been drinking 3 times a week. but i hope I'll be able to start a new life now when starting a job. Been up to 58kgs at the highest, but tomorow I'll weight myself at the morning and start regular weighting to see how I progress. Gotta go now, bye hon!

[kinxofmetal]

oh, girls, too sweet!
HURRA! there ARE still some people worrying about me out here .this makes me happy!

55.5kg.
nothing special. need to sleep. yesterday_ party. because i dont have to work today. but tomorrow i'll have. and for the rest of the week, too^^
need to sleep.
we were partying at my friend's allotment garden. we should sleep in tents. but for real we were talking and talking and enjoying ourselves until the sun was rising. so... i have to sleep. really. that IS necessary!

micha is only interested in history *sigh! that's awesome! MY BF IS NOT A NEO- NAZI! hurra!
going to see him in one or two weeks
so have to lose weight! really!


so here is the plan:
the last week i did not eat at all at work. just at home. and then i did not eat, i binged. so i'm glad i lost a little pound.

there are still 2 weeks left and then school will start again.
so i have 2 more weeks.
2 more weeks to lose at least about 5.5kg. i have to be thin. i have to be thin. i cannot go back to school and be fat.

i know...

well, maybe you haev seen this picture before?
it's posted by ada, aug. 21.

i was interested in my bf's opionion about the female body.
so i sent him this picture. we talked shortly about the left girl.
he said she was way too thin.
so my bf has to love fatties, cause we are a couple.
he said i should never go that far.
he does not know anything about my eating problem. well... on the trip i bet with two boys they would never survive more than 2 days without food - contrariwise me. i think this is a quiete good trick to fast without receiving strange glances.
but i am sure he thinks this was just a bet.

no matter in which way - he likes my body shape. he has to. i know it.
i am afraid of losing weight compared to losing him. but we're so in love. i will definetley not lose him because i'll lose so much weight in the nearest time.
we'll se.
just as always. will see.


love and hugs!
haiky!