cold hands

[kinxofmetal]

so. when i woke up in morning i felt like i had been beaten up (still feel so). felt like somebody coshed me. tried to remember if i ws on a party or something liek that. but i wasnt. so what the fuck?! i thought. i stood up and wanted to wlak to the mirror. but i just right fell down. dizzy. i sat on the floor and thought about whta was happing right now. went to the mirror finelly and my eye was swollen. i was excited.
so i went to my mom and asked her what to do. she siad i should go o the doctor. so i didnt go to the bus for school but at 8pm i drove to our oculist. the dude said i should take some ointment and so on. great.
you know, i am i -5 diopter on one eye and on the other i am a -5,5. so i have to wear contacts, coz my glases are too fat. but i had to wear my glases because the one eye was so swollen! now i am really upset. went to school but wasnt the burn. so boring and i only saw with one eye.
i thought about going to our secratariet and take one of those forms you ahve to fill out if you want to go home. but i knew that my mother didnt work this morning and she would make me eat so i didnt.
i joined the lessons and felt like... like handicapped. i only saw with one eye, the other one hurted sooo extreme bad, still had my pains, my stomach wanted food, my shoulders hurt as well, i had to wear my glases which i am definetley NOT accustom anymore. definetley not my day.
*sigh.
now i am back home. had to play the piano (got lesson tomorrow) and


weight myself.
was shocked. i didnt eat for 3 days. and yesterday i was a 114. today i am a 117 again. that are 3 lbs! that... can not be real!
ok, today i weight myself with my clothes on, and because it was so cold this morning i took 4 layers on. that is very much. and yesterday i only wore my trousers and a pullover. but... THREE POUNDS! how does that work?!? i am so upset, i feel so stupid!

damn. maybe yesterday i dindt look the right way and read something wrong? that can not be real.
definetley NOT my day.
i am asking myself if i 'll go to school tomorrow. man.

shitting on life

[L_Z]

[kinxofmetal]

thanks i decided to NOT wear clothes anymore when i weight me. mhm.

[kinxofmetal]

nothing specail about m weight.-

but decided to eat again. broke my fast today. had lattice for lunch. decided not to go on, because however i would have to finsh my fast tomorrow (because i cant fasting at the weekends because of parents). coulndt concentrate. my eye went worse. dont see with my right eye. my pain is over, but the story with the eye... great.
still 115 i think but will weight myself in the evening.
mhm. dont know...
love.

[L_Z]

Hi girl, are you doing ok? I was thinking, that we are almost the same weight, so maybe we could have a goal together, like 122.5lbs(51kgs) to next friday? I'm not going to fast nex week, but I'll try and write down in my journal everything I eat. Does this sound any good to you? 'cause I really need a buddy to keep myself on track. Skinny day for you

[kinxofmetal]

Hi girl, are you doing ok?

no, not really.....
but thanks...

I was thinking, that we are almost the same weight, so maybe we could have a goal together, like 122.5lbs(51kgs) to next friday?

are you talking of 112lbs? if you were, yes sounds great

I'm not going to fast nex week,

dont know if i can do that too but I'll try and write down in my journal everything I eat. Does this sound any good to you? 'cause I really need a buddy to keep myself on track. Skinny day for you

[i]yeah, that is a great idea. i requiere for a buddy, ... coz if i am fasting on my own... i am like fasting and fasting and fasting and everything that i lost ... i got it back 2 days after because i got those "eating-moments" (know what i am talking about....?)and my fasting didnt helepd anything. so ... this is one of the best ideas EVER
i ll write down what i eat too. i think that works better if we both do that

thanks, thanks, thanks.
skinny and perfect day for you, my dear







today i was on/at (?) one of those mission-days where missionaries tell something about their wokr and that stuff. went there because of that guy
( look.... Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:46 pm )
and... i did not expected too much. it was aaaaawesome we joined each other the whole day long and his goodbye- hug (i never hug people ... but.... *Sigh) became very long and very fondly. man, i wanted to kiss him and i desired it, but... to many people around and his grandma, too.
now i feel evry bad. yes, my day was one of the best days eeeeever, but i know his hug was the last one for the next months, i think. distance... aweful! WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A CAR AND VISIT HIM EVERY FUCKING DAY? (i know... sigh.... if i had a car it didnt change anything. got school. man, it so weird and tricky!
and i am sure my parents dont wnat to move in the area of my cousin and HIM because our grandmas live here, they got jobs here ( there are a lot of jobless people in germany right now) and so on. i am longing for the next time we will meet. of course... i can call him, send messages at the internet and mobile and and and... but it isnt the same. i want to SEE him, i want to SMELL him. WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO TOUCH HIM! maaaaan.

feel fat. had to eat whole day ( and the others asked me if i was on diet , man, i wanted to shout fucking loudly YES at them, but i conrtoled myself and i didnt and only said ,,no... why?" ,,coz you eat so little...." i dont give a fuck on their opinions . i am so angry. why cant they just leave us alone? why do they always have to criticize me? (what the hell are you wearing? why do you a a green and a red dreads? why have you a bell in your hair ? (dreaded it into the red one). why are you eating so little? why do you lost so much weight (ooooh? did you noticed it ?!!) ? why this? why that?
WHY HAVE THEY ALWAYS TLAK TO ME?? i swear, i was near explointing (the exploited are a great band.. however...) it was a fucking situation. it seemed like everyone stared at me. felt horrible. they can stare as much as they want,... when i am perfect. but not now! i just saw theier thoguhts in their eyes ,,damn, why is she so fat?" ,,fat dweeb..." ,,oh, fattie is fasting. i should fast too. she is going to get thinner than i am.... have to work out tomorrow!" and so on. disgusting.
plus: my cousin didnt tlak to me. not even ONE fucking word. damnit, what did i do?
i sat opposite of the guy she still loves and flritet and whatever. she sat one row behind him. i know she noticed what was going on.
but...
she has got the same shoes like i have (no problem, only the black converse... a lot of people have them), she has written almost the same things on them, she wore two tops I HAVE too and she didnt have when i swa here the last time... that was one month ago ( i mean when i saw her whole closet). and i had those two shirts yet. that made me thinking. she cut her hair like i have ( but mine is more curly, hers is almost straight) she colored it the same way i had last spring. she wore trousers in that tapered style. almost nobody wear them. ok, i know, this fall there a must-have, but i mena i wear them for a year. mhm.
i have no problem with the fact that she looked almost like me. she only did some things that nobody does. apart from me. and we talked about them. she adored them. and now she does that too. no problem. but...
if she wore two shirts, you have too (and we are tlaking about the SAME not similar... the SAME really the same labels and colors!) then you think about it. and it doesnt leave you alone.
what is going on in her mind?
when we were younger we always hated eacht other until it made something like rrring! and we fell in love. but... that is STRANGE! the thing is... to get those shirts she had to drive to stuttgart, and that isnt very close to their home. (we have that store in our next big city too so i didnt had to travel to stuttgart)
damn, it is fucking weird. (i am cursing to much, sorry)
what shall i do now????
she does the same things, suddenly she likes the same music, she wears the same clothes.... and now i am close to her love... damnit! it is so unfair! i feel so bad. (he hates her and he likes me[, is there more?]) i dont want to hurt her... but i like that guy very much and if he ver felt in love with her ... there isnt a possability (she told him that she loves him and after that he didnt want to talk to her again. childish- but ... can understand him. she is a fricking complicated person.
i wrote her a message in icq. she didnt answered me (but she is online someone copied me something from her only seconds before!)
what the hell shall i do???
love haiky.

[L_Z]

Ouch, that thing with your cousin and the boy sound tricky...God I'm happy that I already have a good man. No problems of that kind anymore. It sucks to live far from someone that you would like to be around 24/7. I hate it too when someone starts copying you style and everything. I had one friend ages ago who did that, and she always tried to be like the person she was with. it got complicated when there was three people around her and she didn't know who to copy...

And yes, I ment 112lbs... maybe I should read what I write before sending anything...I had a terrible morning so I won't eat today, read my journal for details. Now listening to Children of bodom - hate me. Great song Not trying to boast, but we have awesome bands here Like CoB, Charon, Sentenced...btw, have you heard of Reflecxion? They are publishing/ have published their album in germany. I know the guys of the band, they are from the town I live in. But if you are more into punk, maybe you haven't...their music is more like rock/metal style.

[kinxofmetal]

yeah, hate me : great!
nerver hears of...

[L_Z]

Hi hun, sorry that you had a bad day...I had too But we'll get over it, and get to the 112lbs! I'll have to eat very little, 'cause I don't have time to exercise much this week...exams at school and thursday&friday working. But I trust the amazing power of coffee, it keeps me from eating. Let me know how you are doing dear, have a thin day love,

-L.

[kinxofmetal]

school in afternoon. was too weak to argue with friend about food. (julie always gets wild while we are talking about eating and she always shouts at me and so on). had no energy. so i went to the school canitine without saying a word.
had ...dont know how you call it... mulligan of vegetables....
looked the cals up. (something between 45 and 55 cals per 100g)

so had (in the worst case which isnt too far from the best case) ~140cals for lunch.
didnt eat in the morning.
at home i had an orange the page said it was about 80 cals. drinking only water.
so until now had 220 cals
that is ok.

weight myself in morning (naked) was 115lbs.
weight myself when i got back from school (after eating and with clothes) was a 115.5 lbs. hurra.
but i am not sure if that can be able... however. i am glad.

[L_Z]

Hi girl, and thanks for your support. As I have been really bad (as you know), I'm trying to achieve that 51kgs/112lbs only on sunday. I'm a failiour...sorry. I made a plan for the end of the year, check my journal...I'm going for the 2-4-6-8-thing. Have a great thin day, you are my thinspiration If I want to eat, I just think "hey, she's not eating, why should I?" maybe that'll help me.
Love, L.

(btw: Haiky is your name, or just a nic? That's nice People in Germany have beautiful names, and different from others...)

[kinxofmetal]

was a 51,8 this morning ( 114lbs) .
not too bad but should go faster faster faster! can do what i want... dont lose any weight anymore!
fact is... sunday is my birthday. wanted to be a 105 lb (48kg)that day. think i am quiete lucky to become a 112lbs til then.
so i am not in time. cant understand!
=> i will definetley NOT become a 97 (95..... ?) until xmas.
frusted. please god make me thin until saturday!

if i beat my thigh (have to mess it again, mess its amount evrey second week.) it wobbles! it's the same with my shanks. disgusting.


feel extremly fat

todax when i arrived at school, lisa (whomever) said ,,heeey, girl. what's up? you look like being ill!" oooh thanx... that is the way you want to be welcomed ... however.

had sports today.
when we got dressed lisa shouted through the whole cabine (lucky me there were only about 15 people around us) ,,HAIKY! WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO THIN?" i was so surprised and turned red. felt like everyone was starring at me (DAMN LUCKY ME not even the half of them noticed lisa!) didnt say anything but was proud.
she noticed it she noticed it (and she isnt one of my best friends... (BESTF RIEDNS WHATS UP?!))

but i have to walk a long loong loong way to get as thin as she is,...
*sigh

later she embarressed me again (WANTED TO KILL HER) when we wlaked to the dressrooms again she talked to another girl and told her i was an anorexic. she said it in a funny way, thoguht it was a joke.
but i wanted to kill her. she didnt know what she was saying. EVEN I DONT KNOW IF I AM ANOREXIC OR NOT! and why does she tell things like that others wihtout taking care of my feelings?!
yes i dont look anorexic, look still like a fat cow. but until new year's eve i will have lost about 10 pounds again, i hope!

have a great day.

haiky

[kinxofmetal]

TALKED TO MY COUSIN AGAIN
diont know what i shall think. gonna translate the dialogue now... post it later...



did the translation( know it's looong and full of mistakes...)


Bine (03:18 PM) :
And later you regret it, don’t you?
haiky (03:18 PM) :
regret that i did not do anything?
Bine (03:18 PM) :
yehes , of course
haiky (03:18 PM) :
mhmm sometimes but once in a blue moon
haiky (03:18 PM) :
because when it is over the seats are taken again
Bine (03:18 PM) :
hhm
Bine (03:19 PM) :
actually… is there anything going on with you and tim
haiky (03:19 PM) :
mhm
haiky (03:19 PM) :
no idea. don’t think so
haiky (03:19 PM) :
no. no…
haiky (03:19 PM) :
why?
haiky (03:19 PM) :
no. there isn’t anything, lol
haiky (03:19 PM) :
quiete sure… thus… mh
haiky (03:19 PM) :

Bine (03:19 PM) :
because everyone in my quarter knows… word has it that he feels sth for you
Bine (03:19 PM) :
his friends also say that
haiky (03:19 PM) :
aww man don’t change the topic every two or three seconds, therfore i wont get anything!


oh loool
haiky (03:20 PM) :
gosh darn it!here Miri told everyone that i feel sth for him at the youth day…
haiky (03:20 PM) :
which is not true
haiky (03:20 PM) :
i mean, i am reaaly really fond of him… and it is is a bloody shame that he does not live here and he is also very very handsome, cute as a button…but
haiky (03:20 PM) :
mhm but… no. I am pretty sure that there isnot anything between us called love. We leave him in your hunting-ground
Bine (03:20 PM) :
dont fancy a long-distance relationship?
haiky (03:21 PM) :
that is not the problem
haiky (03:21 PM) :
you know… the fact is
haiky (03:21 PM) :
there is alex, there is fabi, there is saimn, there is…
haiky (03:21 PM) :
and suddenly there is tim and i dont know how to pigeonhole him
Bine (03:21 PM) :
hhm
haiky (03:22 PM) :
it is such a great stress… all this relationship shit
haiky (03:22 PM) :
so, cant be bothered
haiky (03:22 PM) :
even he was my neighbour
Bine (03:22 PM) :
But i do trust that he wishes for anything
haiky (03:22 PM) :
?
Bine (03:22 PM) :
yes… with you
Bine (03:22 PM) :
Dont know but he is sooo
Bine (03:22 PM) :
no you cant describe it that way
haiky (03:23 PM) :
?
Bine (03:23 PM) :
eeh?
Bine (03:23 PM) :
why?
haiky (03:23 PM) :
what are you talking about?
haiky (03:23 PM) :
lol
Bine (03:23 PM) :
Yeah… tim.
Bine (03:23 PM) :
Thus i think that he believes in you two
Bine (03:23 PM) :
so that there is sth going on
haiky (03:23 PM) :
yeah, last summer?
haiky (03:24 PM) :
but now?
Bine (03:24 PM) :
nooo! I am talking about the last weeks and months
haiky (03:24 PM) :
*sigh
haiky (03:24 PM) :
i could vomit
haiky (03:24 PM) :
i am so upset ! why ist hat sooo complicated everytime?
Bine (03:24 PM) :
dont know
Bine (03:24 PM) :
Maybe it isnt true but hhm
Bine (03:24 PM) :
he is always so slaphappy
haiky (03:25 PM) :
what? lol
Bine (03:25 PM) :
after your youth day
haiky (03:25 PM) :
after that I was slaphappy too
haiky (03:25 PM) :
lol sry
Bine (03:25 PM) :

haiky (03:25 PM) :
hey but girl…
Bine (03:25 PM) :
yep?
haiky (03:26 PM) :
i dont even know… i think… there is too much interpreted in that and i mean i wont see him for mhmm… about… mhhhhh at least 2 months … to wit… maybe only next summer
or sth like that
yes i chat with him but…
haiky (03:26 PM) :
but… for all that…
haiky (03:26 PM) :
*sigh the guys in your community are strange, like ours…
haiky (03:26 PM) :
only talking and talking about others problems but they cant leave them so the people wiht the probs cant do it on their own!
haiky (03:26 PM) :
mh
Bine (03:26 PM) :
Aye… never mind. I also dont know and yes… it isnt my thing… i mean i dont want to take a hand in your stuff
Bine (03:28 PM) :
I only thought that maybe you are unuspecting and everywhere there are so many stories about you
Bine (03:28 PM) :
That woulndt be fine..
haiky (03:28 PM) :
yes, thanks, i know. But at the moment i doubt … is it my business?? Is it really important? Does it come into question that i shall worry about that i could tim rebuff? Or that i go into a long-distance relationship with a guy whose mother would kill me? I THINK I do not should make any worries about those two eventualies .. i dont even know… i mean i am one of two chief characters in the whole thing… it seems that I am but is so unreal to me
haiky (03:28 PM) :
aye, thx
Bine (03:28 PM) :
So.. let’s drop the subject?
haiky (03:28 PM) :
yeah
haiky (03:28 PM) :
think so





oh my god!! (just called the guy tim because did some googling and my thoguht was right: he's name is so... exotic.. anyone who would serach would find it out.. so tim is fine i thought (not a special name ^^)

of course of course of course i love him! didnt know what to say while talking to my cousin (i mean he hates her and she always tells me that she wants him back as a friend and know i am "dating" him!) so i didnt say her the truth
mhm

[kinxofmetal]

today is thursday... the day before the goal... dont know. did weight myself yesterday the last time was a 52.5kg with eating and clopthes.
colored hair red again.
there is nothing special to say.
bye.

[L_Z]

Complicated thing with the boy, it's always like that...but hope it'll be okay Long distances suck. It takes so much more time to find out if there's something. And all the rumours going around...I have been there in the good old times when I was wild and single and seventeen. (I love writing seventeen. I'm weird.)

I'm 52 today and still aiming to 51 kgs sunday...think I can make it? I'll drop that stupid plan (no way I'm eating 800cals today!) and have just..something. 1pm-9pm at work today, so won't have time to eat anyway. Take care hun, thin thoughts

-L.