cold hands

[L_Z]

Aww...hi again. I was sick, don't know what it's called in english but I vomited a lot...you know. Lost 1kg, now back at 56kgs. Positive: Mika decided that he has to lose some weight (really it's not necessary, he's just got lots of muscle), but he wants to lose ~10kg. perfect opportunity for me too to try and lose something...I'm no going to eat chocolate in this month. it's my weak spot. I'm miserable being right now, I can't lose weight and there's no way i could be happy in this weight. have eaten few small cookies today, took nothing to eat here at work...i usually don't. Take care babe,
-L.

[kinxofmetal]

what will happen if you go swimming?
fat and flabby as you are?
you'll see all those thin and perfect girls. so.. what happens next?
i am on xs-excess.
i am fat. i train a lot. my legs hurt. but i know that is the price i have to pay.
i'll never get tim.
though i ended up with michael and i thought i'll leave guys alone i want tim. still.
one day i'll get him.and i won'T let him go. that's what i thought. but i wont. i wont. never never never.
because he is in love with julie. she's one of the perfect ones.
she is pretty and nice and worst of all really fatless.
i am redheaded. for real my hair is brown. or ashblond. but i hated my natural color.they've been red for such a long time now.
tim adores blondes.
haggards.
and that is excactly everything i can't ever be.
but i won'T ever leave my dream. maybe it sounds ill- but it is not that heavy.
we're real good friends. best friends.
i am not obsessed. lol. ok i may be. but i won't ever show it!


the following is a text from CarlottaSunshine - translated by dint of my bad english.

Like two royal children

We are like two royal children who can't get together. Although we were THE perfect couple. But maybe that's just imagination.

The lecture has finished. Together with my friend i am leaving the building of the university. We're talking about the examinations, we're going to write. The most important topic at the moment. Outside there us T- walking towards us. He looks at me. I look at him. While passing we're looking straight into each other's eyes. A flimsy smile scurries at his face, i
reply. Then the moment has passed. We passed each other. I don't look after him, i don't turn, i am walking straight on. Try to concentrate again at what my friend is talking about next to me. What did he just say? Oh yes, it was about the examinations. So everything's as always.

This is one of the moments in which i loved to shout "STOP!" I'd loved to freeze the moment and i wished everything was different.
Because it's just so difficult- the thing with T. I am not sure when i started. It is a feeling of intim relatedness - without anyone packing it into words. Without had been lived. We missed something- for a long time. We were, i think, both too shy. And anytime i was simply too late.

The first time i saw him in a university- tutorium. We were sitting in this overcrowded room, not far away of each other and we copied the tutor's solutions for some excercises. Every single week we met us there. We didnot know each other yet - but i had the feeling that he often looked at me not accidentally. When i realized and i looked back his gazes were quickly back at his paper. And it was the same the other way round. That was how the semster(term) passed. I often met him in university in any overcrowded lecture some seats afar. He sat with his friends, i with mine. And there were those glimps again. But never a word.

Once a time i sat right in front of him. I did not plan this. Just a friend had acquired a seat right there. She had absoluetly no idea. I never told her about T. Basiclly i've never told anybody about him. I was afraid that nobody could understand me or that anybody could take away my illusions.
So i sat right in front of him. During the whole lecture i was extremly fidgety. I did not get any word of what the prof was talking about. Once i flipped for a moment. Of course he looked at me- that is what everyone would do if the person sitting in front of you suddenly looked at him. His face was dark-red. Did i cause this? You're interpretaing too much into this, i told myself and i stared back onto the prof. I realzied how my head was glowing. After the lecture we left the auditorium on different ways. It was like always.

The term passed and nothing happened. What should happen if you are too coward to speak to someone and you see that the person is in the same situation? And this secretly thing was pulsating in any way. Sometimes i was counting the days until we'd have a common lecture and i was looking forward. Abolustly green and realy stupid. Why did i have never been couraged and spoke to him? I thought, i'd make myself the monkey. Because if i had imagine the whole thing, this would be reeealy embarassing. and who knows... maybe i'd just imagine?

The next term started and everything got worse. We shared the same stutend- initiative. But everything was like always. We looked at each other, glimpsed and nothing happend. It would be so easy but we did not talk- i could slap myself today. Actually i am realy communicative, i like to get to know new people. But i was different with him. I was angst-ridden to be disliked. So i did not do anything but dreaming. He was something like my secret prince without the white horse and without the happy end. So this term also passed without news. Among my friends some couples were founded. There was something here - then there. But i did not fancy that. BEcause there was this guy i finally got the name of but nothing more. Nevertheless he was everything to me.

I always wondered how something like this can happen, being extremly attracted to a person you actually don't know. I don't know yet if we had a chance as a couple. Maybe we hated each other. Maybe he had a horrawing taste of music. Maybe we just would not fit. But everything would be better than this situation of silence and the glimps, of the missed chances and the wrong shyness.
Time passed. We saw each other rarelier. I tried to igrnore the feeling in my tummy. Meanwhile it was too late to do anything. How ridiculous would it be right know to ask him to go out for a coffe or sth similar?

Meanwhile we passed the half of our studies. I don't have a boyfriend. There were some candidats- but Mr. Right was not among.
I still meet T. here and then. Then i am absolutly happy for a moment. But the sobering follows right after. Because it is too late. We are like two royal children who can't get together. Although we were THE perfect couple. But maybe that's just imagination.

[kinxofmetal]

... cause i'm moving to new york cause i got problems with my sleep...

well no i'm going to utah for a month. not more.
things are not working better than they used to.
i gained. and i lost. 53kg.
hate that or love that.
hate that.
for sure.-

going to write more and regulary.
peace!

[kinxofmetal]

so today was quite good i think. all i had was tons of water, soup (vegetablesoup ~ 9cal/100ml) with a toast (90cal) and chewing gum.
was okay.
i am doing well.
my stomach doesnt even hurt a little.
11days are left.
i haev to lose as much as possbile,
and i am damn afraid of gaining over there.
usa. country of burgers and fat. hopefully this is just a stupid prejudice!
have a nice day.
love
haiky

[kinxofmetal]

i am sitting in my computer and I'm crying like mad.
what happened. TELL ME.
Having goosebumps because of my stomach.
Having cravings.
Like worse than ever.
Did take laxatives.
Again.
I was doing all good. I gained weight. And yet: I am back, my lovely girls.
...Shoot! This is bad...
i thought i was done with it. like being healed. what a lie to myself.
here i go again.

what happened to me in the last months?
well. have been to the states, was part of an exchange. yeah.
and the kids have been here, germany, as well.
i finally got rid off - dang, i cant even remember how i called him as a nick because his name is to unusual- well the boy i've always been in love with. i didnt really get RID off him, he's still my best friend. got rid off my feelings for him. that's what i thought.

having a bf for 2 months now (actually since today it's the thirteenth - 2months exactly). he lives in the states. and that sucks.
2 months ago he was here.
now i'm all alone again.

my used-to-be-best friend lost magically weight herself. i guess she's became anorexic seriously. how dramatic. two friends, two suckers.
but we're not friends anymore.
and i am the fat one now. i am fat
i am huge
i am undescribable fat. like a big ball of dough.
my stomach hurts so bad!
i need to flex my muslces now- i still remember this. ha ha. nothing's lost. had the worst two last weeks than you could imagine.
but my tummy is so fat, it's already arching. and i cant flex any muscles- there are none left. i am fat. i am unbelievable stinking lazy. and unbelievable ugly on top of that!

Ladies and gentlemen.
I guess i am back.
Here I go again.

[ThinMint06]

it appears we're in the same boat, dear. let's cheer each other on shall we? the boy is in the states? where? which state? how else are you holding up?