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gonnamakeit76
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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 Posted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 11:48 pm Post subject:
COE- battling the binge
Subject description: New Forum
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Hi guys!
The forum admin created an area for us COE's in the recovery section so we can bitch and moan about how hard it is to not eat while the people who are trying to eat can vent in peace. 
I'm personally battling COE with Ana, dropping down to as little calories a day as I possibly can, but sometimes the binge gets me and I can't stop it. I'd love to hear from everyone who are battling long-term compulsive overeating and find out how everyone is doing!!!
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I Want Candy
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 573
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Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 12:09 am Post subject:
Re: COE- battling the binge
Subject description: New Forum
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| gonnamakeit76 wrote: | Hi guys!
The forum admin created an area for us COE's in the recovery section so we can bitch and moan about how hard it is to not eat while the people who are trying to eat can vent in peace.
I'm personally battling COE with Ana, dropping down to as little calories a day as I possibly can, but sometimes the binge gets me and I can't stop it. I'd love to hear from everyone who are battling long-term compulsive overeating and find out how everyone is doing!!! |
I"m glad you posted, first, because I was sort of afraid to.
I think you're courageous and I thank you again, hon.
And I thank the Admin for making this COE forum, too. I do mean it.
I"ve never been formally diagnosed with any ED, since when I first starved myself down to 87 pounds as a teenager, well, that word "anorexia" just wasnt' a house-hold name. And of course, what I did I did alone. I won't bore ya with the story, because it's disgusting and it's . . . boring.
But then over the course of several years, I gained a bit, then suddenly in my senior year in highschool, my weight exploded to almost 200! This entire gain happened over the summer, along with some humiliating female changes.
Since then, I've gone from well over 200 pounds down to about 100, and i"ve done it several times. I'm 43, soon to be 44, and I've been doing this damage to myself since I was 11 years old.
I think what I would be classified as COE, if a professioinal would bother to see me and diagnose me, but it just seems so shameful.
My ticker is a lie and I am ashamed. 
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gonnamakeit76
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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| Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 12:44 am Post subject:
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I know exactly what you mean, up and down, back and forth, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!
Why can't I be like my friends who never really fluctuated in weight, they've had like 3 kids and might be packing an extra 20 pounds, and then there's me, no kids, and I'm packin' an extra 130 pounds on me... ARGH..
I wish Ana would just stay with me constantly, never leave my mind, but the problem is I want to eat like everyone else does, ( and then I eat like, 4 times what everyone else does, for weeks on end, and wonder why I can gain/lose 30 pounds a month.
The things we put our bodies through, omg.
I have never, ever made it all the way down to below my ideal weight. My ideal is 150, I really want to get there this time, maybe even to 135... I remember the last time I was 135, was in the 6th grade when I went passed it.
My body could never go down to 100 pounds at my height and structure, 150 would make me happy, 135 would make me ecstatic but I really just don't believe I can maintain 135 for a long period of time. I would rather starve to 135, and then build muscle on my stomach and tone my legs up to 150 and stabalize there, for the rest of my life if I can.
I haven't eaten yet today, and it makes me happy. I cooked my husband dinner and looked at all the left over food in the pot and wondered how much of a dent I would have put in that if I'd been eating along with him. I ate last at like, what, 8:30pm, so in about 3 hours I'll be to my 24 hour point. That's a good start.
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DollyAna
Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 2240
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| Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 8:38 pm Post subject:
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hey i must admit i've never really thought about COE much before but reading some of the posts here have given me a really valuable insight,what an education.i'm so sorry for those of you who suffer with this disorder,i really am,it must be completely soul destroying. 
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gonnamakeit76
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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| Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 8:50 pm Post subject:
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Soul destroying is right. It's extremely painful, you're thin on the inside and you know it, but you just can't get your desire to feel a full stomach to balance with wanting to be beautiful.
Some people cut to feel, some people eat to feel. Some people starve to feel. I'm at a point where food isn't doing it for me anymore, where I feel so horrible after putting anything in my mouth, that I feel more when I don't eat at all, and it's a lot easier to cope with life thinking "At least I'm trying to do something about it."
People who have ana hard core avoid people and social situations because they don't want to be subjected to food. COE people avoid everyone, especially people in their past because of the most horrifying shame and feeling of hopelessness and feeling like they're shit in the world. You do everything, including starting fights, to avoid seeing people from your past because you're so ashamed of your self and your life, and since you can't accept yourself, how can you expect them to accept you?
I remember my first trip down ANA road, best years of my sorry ass life. I was alive for the first time and I had a good couple of years of life, and then I fell apart.
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I Want Candy
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 573
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 1:05 am Post subject:
So, so true
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| gonnamakeit76 wrote: | Soul destroying is right. It's extremely painful, you're thin on the inside and you know it, but you just can't get your desire to feel a full stomach to balance with wanting to be beautiful.
Some people cut to feel, some people eat to feel. Some people starve to feel. I'm at a point where food isn't doing it for me anymore, where I feel so horrible after putting anything in my mouth, that I feel more when I don't eat at all, and it's a lot easier to cope with life thinking "At least I'm trying to do something about it."
People who have ana hard core avoid people and social situations because they don't want to be subjected to food. COE people avoid everyone, especially people in their past because of the most horrifying shame and feeling of hopelessness and feeling like they're shit in the world. You do everything, including starting fights, to avoid seeing people from your past because you're so ashamed of your self and your life, and since you can't accept yourself, how can you expect them to accept you?
I remember my first trip down ANA road, best years of my sorry ass life. I was alive for the first time and I had a good couple of years of life, and then I fell apart. |
You're so right, and I'm going to put this part of what you said and address it-->
" COE people avoid everyone, especially people in their past because of the most horrifying shame and feeling of hopelessness and feeling like they're shit in the world. You do everything, including starting fights, to avoid seeing people from your past because you're so ashamed of your self and your life, and since you can't accept yourself, how can you expect them to accept you?"
I admit I have other issues that help to keep me locked indoors but the biggest one is the over-whelming horror---and I do mean "horror"---that if I go out into the street or go anywhere, I'll face what you described.
When I was anorexic, I felt compelled to look at myself all the time in the mirror, to measure, to weigh myself, to measure and weight and poke and prod every thing I ate. Food, toothpaste, tea, whatever. I was obsessed with my image but of course what I saw was a toad.
But when I swung the other way, I stopped looking in the mirror. I've never bought one as a matter of fact. Just looking in the mirror to brush my hair or put on lipstick makes me cringe.
I'd never heard of COE before coming here and I've never been diagnosed with it. To be honest I'm so ashamed to have to go to a doc and admit to him everything I've shoved into my mouth is . . . I do't know the word. The very idea of doing it makes me want to puke.
Also, maybe people thing COE is *just* binging but it's much more than that. It's like your brain is broken and you just keep on going and going. Far past the point of pain, to the point where if I lie down on my back, I'll vomit in my sleep. I can only lie on one side, in one position. Acid and bile are flowing up and I'm loosing my enamel. yet I still can't find a professional who'll see me. I'm devestated and have no one in my town to talk to. Even if I did know anyone, I can't lay this filth on them.
COE is not being lazy and greedy. And I really hate the FUCK out of the few posts I've read from other women who've made dumb-ass statements like we go eat at McDonalds and buy cookies and pop and sit around and watch TV and that is a dirty lie. I know there are a lot that do it, but COE is a disease JUST as devestating, just as dangerous and JUST AS IMPORTANT as fashionable anorexia is.
I think that a lot of arrogance comes with the territory with anorexia, a kind of distainful arrogance against other women. Because I've been a real anorexic, I admit to having had that bit(I say "bit") of snobbiness about me when I was a young teen. I say "bit" because I'm also proud to say I recognized what I was doing and thinking about other women was sick and WRONG, but really, in this *enlightened* day and age, I'm just shocked to see the few that are just so typical and so common.
Most of the anas are peaches, they are, but there are a couple that need a punch in the teeth so badly. Ana, my ass. I believe we used to call girls like that "bullies" in school.
Sorry for the rant, sugar, I am.
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gonnamakeit76
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 4:13 am Post subject:
Re: So, so true
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| I Want Candy wrote: |
But when I swung the other way, I stopped looking in the mirror. I've never bought one as a matter of fact. Just looking in the mirror to brush my hair or put on lipstick makes me cringe.
COE is not being lazy and greedy. And I really hate the FUCK out of the few posts I've read from other women who've made dumb-ass statements like we go eat at McDonalds and buy cookies and pop and sit around and watch TV and that is a dirty lie. I know there are a lot that do it, but COE is a disease JUST as devestating, just as dangerous and JUST AS IMPORTANT as fashionable anorexia is. |
You're right... and I'd also like to point out that we eat with everyone else what they all do, and in fact, they don't understand that we don't go out and buy mcdonalds so that we can sit in front of the tv and pig out, it's the other way around. We sit in front of the TV with the intention of watching something, and we go into a trance state and suddenly find ourselves knee deep in wrappers.
They don't see is us going to the store, buying regular groceries, pulling open a package of comfort food on the drive home and eating as much of it as we can before we get home, throwing the rest out the window and then crying and feeling miserable and unhappy that we can't get a grip but we needed the fix.
It's a hard thing to stop. The minute we're alone, we're at the fridge, cuz we know we won't get those ugly looks or stares if no one is there to see it, and we don't know when our next opportunity to fill the emptyness we feel inside will be. We feel "whole" when we eat, for while we're doing it, for however long the binge lasts... and then we're just freakin' miserable.
If it was as simple as eating a snack or an apple or something filled the gap inside us, we'd be healthy.... it's not something small that fills us, we have to fill our stomachs till we can feel it, feel the pain of too much food, to feel like we are okay, and then 20 minutes later, our fat guts deflate and we're falling apart on the inside again.
Dieting doesn't work for us, because to us, that is admitting we're totally messed up... COE people do NOT like to say "We're on a diet." No, actually, if we ever get past COE, we tend to go to ana, and when people say "Wow, how are you losing weight?" we say things like "I don't know, I guess my metabolism finally kicked in gear," or "I just lost my appetite" ( which people totally nod their head and think "it's about time, what self control they must have!" ( which is so sick in itself) but mention the word "Diet" and we're bound to slap you.
Well, technically, we can say the word diet, but hearing it is what we can't stand.
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vicki
Joined: 10 Aug 2006
Posts: 662
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:50 am Post subject:
I need this converstaion too!!
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The two of you have articulated so well my whole entire life....the need to feel, the zpmbie like behavior in front of the tv, eating as much as you can on the drive home and the throwing out of evidence....omg....are you all spying on me!!!???
The one thing I am trying to get over is the euphoric feeling I get after a binge....that high...not just the feeling of pain...but the actually high from the endorphins....sometimes my head spins...I like it ....I HATE it! It only lasts for a moment then the guilt and the sickness set in ...and you know you ate so much, but there just a little more in the carton, bowl or whatever...you can't throw it out and it isn't enough for later...you HAVE to eat it...it is just enough to push you over the edge and you fall asleep in a binge coma...the calories and fat you just ate sweat out your pores as you sleep and the nightmares come and you awake in a panic and swear never again. You swear off food until you get reminded that no man has touched you in over 7 years and you are scared to death to meet anyone new....so you reach for whatever to feel whole again...food is your best friend.....it loves you...it makes you feel good (at least for the moment)...it doesn't fight with you or cheat on you and it is always there.
us, coe's aren't lazy and we generally don't eat crap ALL the time...my coe results out of online...making friends here has cut down considerably on my binges...they still do happen but more out of a long period of restricting and even then they aren't as big as they used to be. Friends are so very important even if they are just cyber friends....sometimes my only adult interation for the day is here...so if I am not on your email list...please put me there. It helps so much just to talk to ppl...and not always about ed....just to say how your day was or what is going on...
Vicki 
For those on my email list:
"2 weeks, 2 weeks, 2 weeks!!!" .....
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gonnamakeit76
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:36 pm Post subject:
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Vicki, you put up all the rest of it, especially "There's just a little left, I might as well eat it" and the euphoric high before the guilt sets in...
The high isn't there for me anymore, that's how I know Ana wants back in, and it's working, finally, it's freakin' working. I've been begging god for years to go back to hating eating.... finally...
What stemmed this whole thing off, my ex-boyfriend wants to see me, I have been putting him off I felt bad. then two weeks ago, we got into a fight about it and he's super pissed at me for it and isn't speaking to me now. I can't keep living like this. I can't keep hiding from people cuz I'm afraid of what they'll think, so since I can't stand myself this way, it's time to change.
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LUVPink
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 1035
Location: New York
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desirable dream
Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Posts: 931
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 5:01 pm Post subject:
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(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
I don't know what else to say. You guys have summed it all up so well.
It annoys me when I'm told to eat something filling or healthy so that I'm not hungry, but I don't binge because I'm hungry, in fact I don't know why I binge. I just do.
Bingeing and overeating is so shameful and secretive because you'd hate other people to know how much you can consume. I've become a pro at smuggling food to my bedroom. Getting rid of the rubbish at left overs is a pain though.
I was at my happiest when I was restricting and losing weight. I don't know what the hell I'm doing at the moment. I don't even want the food, yet I feel compelled to have it.
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AlicetheCamel
Joined: 10 Sep 2006
Posts: 431
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| Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 5:59 pm Post subject:
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| desirable dream wrote: | I don't binge because I'm hungry, in fact I don't know why I binge. I just do.
Bingeing and overeating is so shameful and secretive because you'd hate other people to know how much you can consume.
I was at my happiest when I was restricting and losing weight. I don't know what the hell I'm doing at the moment. I don't even want the food, yet I feel compelled to have it. |
That is my food problem at the moment in a few sentences. I feel so ashamed, I don't know what I'd do if anyone found out. People call me ana at school etc 'cause they think I don't eat, but if they ever knew...I'd be even more ashamed than I am now, if that's possible.
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desirable dream
Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Posts: 931
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 6:56 pm Post subject:
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| Quote: | | People call me ana at school etc 'cause they think I don't eat, but if they ever knew...I'd be even more ashamed than I am now, if that's possible. |
Yep, when I was in catered halls of residence in my firt year of uni, I'd eat slada pretty much every night for dinner. It was because I had either just binged, and so physically could not fit anything else in, or I was restricting and didn't want to eat any of the other fatty food on offer.
People must have wondered why I didn't lose wieght, or in fact why I had put some on, given that no one ever saw me eating anything substantial 
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littlekittentoes
Joined: 11 Aug 2006
Posts: 536
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