Carpe Diem

[Tina]

My new love STILL HASN'T CALLED.
I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I've taken this 'ignore-him-game' to far. I just....love shouldn't be this hard, especially in the beginning. I don't know what I have done wrong, it was him that called me and asked me out, him that called me four times in a day just to get a second date. I guess I will NEVER understand men. Ahh, screw him.

Today has been pretty good, lots of coffee and green tea at work. Then some fruit for lunch (maybe 150). Tonight i'm staying in, so I won't have any beer or wine.
Tomorrow I'm going jogging, and I'll weigh in again. Really anxious about that.

Hope you are all doing well. Be back later.

[ThinMint06]

Sorry he doesn't want to call... but that's HIS deal, not yours. Don't worry about him. Whatever you do- DON'T CALL HIM!!!

hope you're having a skinny skinny day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tina]

So I totally blew it yesterday. I am sooooooooo studip. Why do I do the only thing I know am gonna make me unhappy????

Anyway, today I'm gonna make the most of it. No solids, only coffee and water. Maybe a latte later with skimmed milk.

Take a deep breath and start the day.

I'm gonna clean my apartment, jog for 30 min. and then go shopping with friends.

[Tina]

I'm back after a loooong day, out shopping, and later drinking with friends. I have had way to many calories, way to many beers and glasses of red wine....to drunk to count calories.
I'm supposed to hook up with my new love, but I don't know.... maybe he's not right for me. I don't get him. He just called me. This is so hard!!!!

Btw my friends pointed out to me that I looked really good tonight, they couldn't say what it was, but I know: I have lost weight!!! I can actually feel my hipbones today, they are really pointy!
Soooooo happy -and drunk.....

[Tina]

So this is what happened last night:
I went out drinking with friends. During the night my new love sent tons of txtmss saying he wanted to see me, maybe we could hook up later, etc... I was drunk so I answered his messages. When I came home last night I kind of wanted him to call, but I only wanted him to so I could turn him down! I'm mad at him for not calling for so many days, and then when he's drunk he's all over me again. It's classic male behaviour. I'm so fed up with it, I'm too old for this.
Anyway, he called me three times, and sent 4 messages. I ignored it.
Aside from the wine I had a pretty good day, I didn't eat more than 200, I think, maybe less.
I'm gonna be good today, no solids. Water and green tea!!!!

[Tina]

I'm back from the business trip. I think I must have gained 3 kg, cause every meal was together with the others at work ++ so I had to be there, and I had to eat. It was very annoying, but as I see it, I had no choice.

Been good today though, only coffee and water. I have a dentist app. later, hope she doesn't ask me about food, my back teeth have acid erosions from fruit/diet soda. My old dentist told me at one point to stop drinking soda, and I try, but.....it's hard. He once asked me if I had an ED, but I wiggled my way out of it, I think. He never asked me about it again.

I'm in a really good mood today. I'm happy cause several of my co-workers asked me if I had lost weight!!!! So I guess even though my scale hasn't moved much, it shows, and I can feel it when I put on jeans that someting has happened. I don't understand why it doesn't show on the scale?????
Just for the heck of it I tried on my skinny jeans today, and they actually didn't look bad! That is a really big deal for me, cause three months ago I couldn't even zip them up. They were loose back when I was skinny, and I've kept them, obviously then I have some kind of measure other than the scale. This summer I AM GONNA WEAR THEM AND FEEL GOOD!!!!!
Hope you are all doing well and having a skinny day. Back later.

[Tina]

I need to turn this around, I don't get why I do this to myself. Earlier I was feeling really good, but now....I have had chocolate today, I couldn't help myself. It was right there in front of me calling my name. I felt like I wouldn't have peace before it was all gone. Probably 100g, I'm ashamed to say it.
I need help, guys, what can I do to control myself? Why do I feel like my body and my will never works together, even when I'm fasting and doing well, my thoughts are always on my next meal! WTF is that?
The worst is that I have a date with the new love this friday, and I can't show up fat and bloated!!! I WILL do well tomorrow, I'm going a fast. Only water and tea.
Feeling so low.

[Tina]

Another bad day.
I'm such an amateur, I don't belong here. I can never follow through with anything cause I'm a big fat failure. It hurts when I read your perfect journals and see how much you have lost. I'm sorry, I wish you all the best, but it's making me feel so bad.
I don't know what to do. I was doing so well a few days ago and now it feels like I will never get back there. I really wanna make it, but then something happens, often just inside my head and the next I know I'm binging on whatever. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why is this so hard? Why can't I go back two years and have the willpower I had then?
I've spent the evening looking at my thighs grow as I eat. If I keep this up, in the end I won't be able to get out of my appartment without a crane. I will be one of those people you see in documentaries who die from bedsores cause they're too fat to roll over.
Thinking about going jogging, but I get scared at night, there have been several rapes in the city lately. Maybe tomorrow. I can't believe this journal is called carpe diem. I'm the biggest procrastinator you have ever seen.

[Tina]

Just checking in before bed.
I't been a good day today. 300 cals and lots of water and tea. Feel my body cleansing itself of all the garbage from past days of pigging out.
I want to weigh in, but I'm too scared to see how much I've gained.
In one week I'm going to a big party with people I haven't seen for ages. I want to look skinny and gorgeous, and I want them all to say behind my back: She looks really good, she's lost a lot of weight.
Yeah. Right. Keep on dreaming.
Back tomorrow.

[Tina]

I HAVEN'T GAINED!!!!!
I just stepped on the scale, and I'm still 69kg!!!! I am so relieved!!!!
And motivated!!!!
Only water so far today...

[Tina]

[Tina]

Checking in before I go out.
It's been a good day, only coffee and diet soda.
If I keep this up, I guess I could loose around 3 more kgs before the party next week. That would be sooooo great!
Now, I'm only gonna have 2 glasses of wine tonight, NO more!!!

[Tina]

I'm back and I've been a good girl! 2 glasses of red wine..mmmmm

Forgot to tell you that I bought a book about EDs in my favorite bookstore today. I don't know why but reading about ana/mia is so fascinating! Like I want to know what the experts think of us, and what methods they like to use to make us healthy. I've never been to a therapist cause noone's ever confronted me or made me go. I think my parents suspected that I was sick back then when I was underweight, but now that Im 'normal'/fat, they think everything's OK.
I don't know if I'd be able to talk to someone like that, I mean about my ana/mia. I have a hard time speaking about it, it's even hard for me to write how I REALLY feel in this journal. I lie all the time, I've gotten so used to concealing and hiding, sometimes I don't know what is the actual truth.
But I try to always be honest in here, I've written stuff that I had to delete before posting, cause it wasn't really true. I think the problem is that I always deny having problems, to myself and everyone who asks, so it's weird for me to suddenly be free to spill my guts in here. But I definitely think this is good for me, I feel like I'm developing into something new, something better.
Good night all you super-girls out there!
Tina

[Tina]

Just came home after a 2hr walk. It's warm and sunny here today, perfect summer-weightloss-inspiration!
I'm kind of proud of myself, I turned this bad week around, I've been so good this weekend. If I can make this last through next week, I'll feel great at the big party on saturday.
Today: skinny-latte and two ricecrisps (70cal), sparkling water.
I've read a great deal in the EDbook I bought yesterday, It's really interesting stuff. There's also a recovery self-help section, I don't know if I wanna read it, afraid I'll get some ideas! One chapter talks about how people with EDs are often emotionally numb, and have a hard time with feeling anything or putting words to their feelings. That is SO me! I don't think I know myself at all. I guess I have an idea of who I am, but it seems that my ED has sucked out most of my substance, and now I would say 75% of me is about food/to eat or not to eat. I live only on the surface of myself, I would say.
I dropped the date with the boy on friday, btw. I felt I couldn't see him when I had binged for days..today though, I'd really like to see him, but I can't cause he went up to his cabin to ski (yes we still have snow in the mountains). I wish he'd call on his way home and ask me if I wanna hook up. I can't call him, I don't wanna seem desperate. I hate needy people, I refuse to be like that.

[Tina]