Candy

[candy]

I decieded I'm going to start a journal for May, seeing as it helped me a lot in the past.

So it's may 3rd, and I've had:
10 saltines: 120ca
1/2 cup rice crispies: 50cal

I'll probably end up eating some baby oatmeal of supper, just because I have an ulcer and I need to not eat my stomach. I'd rather fast, as my stomach doesn't hurt as much, but if I did, then I'd have a bleeding ulcer and be in the hospital which would suck!

I'm to tired and sore to do any exercise today, but I've got to coach tomorrow, so that'll burn some. I really need to get back to exercising, it's good for me, and makes me look like a sexy beast (NOT! never will be, but it makes me thinner, so it's definately worth it!)

[candy]

Okay so I fail at writting in my journal as much as I suck at lossing weight!
God I hate me, I've got no self control any more or motivation, it's ridiculous! I've just been purging alot, which is very bad for me, and I need to stop. Gah!

[candy]

Okay so I'm going to start writting again. For my benifit. I need to write down everything I eat, or I'll just keep getting fatter, and plus I need a place to vent and this is the only place that I can vent about food or anything else that's going on in my life.

I want to start the Kwekick fast, but I need to find bulk macadamia nuts......That is going to be my mission.

I'm currently 105lbs, I need to be 95 by june 27th, when my brother is visiting me. There are no if ands or buts. I have to be.

[LadyBird]

Hey, I know what you mean about journals helping you stay on track. My journal keeps me motivated and on track as a place to write down exactly what I ate for the day. I'm here if you need anything, or just some support.

[candy]

so today seems to have gone pretty well. I started the kwekick fast today. I've had like 3 oz of cream cheese (gross in such large quantities) and some pepperoni. I need to find nuts, which I haven't looked for yet, or it's just not going to work. I'm terribly tired though, which sucks. Hopefully that'll wear off and I'll be back to my normal self.

Oh yeah, I can't even work out at the gym right now because I dropped my laptop (while on this forum) on my toe, and now it's all black and blue and probably broken, it makes me very sad, because I can't work out. Oh well, tis life.

[candy]

So yesterday ended bad. I went over to visit my bf because I hadn't seen him in a few days. I was really cold, so all I wanted to do was snuggle (I do realize it's 90 degrees out, but i"m still cold) He was being all cranky for some crazy reason, which made me cranky. Then he got out his bible (i'm not into christianity, I'm quite pagan, but people can do as they please) and he was giving me a hard time about "bursting into flames". I was like
"it really bugs you that I'm not christian, doesn't it?" (it concerns me that he can't get over it, we're talking about starting a life together) he said it didn't, and that if it did he wouldn't continue dating me. so I said that I could tell it did, just from the look in his eyes when we spoke on the subject, so he was all like "you don't know me, you don't know me"
You're right I don't, goodbye. So I just left. He's right I don't know him if he's going to be like that. I'm really upset with him. I feel like he just "keeps me around " to get some and that he doesn't really love me anymore.

So on the way home I stopped at the store to look for macadamia nuts for the diet, but couldn't find any and ended up buying a tub of coolwhip (healthier than ice cream, only 375 cals for the enire tub) and I ended up eating the whole thing. I'm soo gross! I weigh 106.5 now, because of my binge.

I just want to cry, I'm so down in the dumps right now, I need some happy pills or something, bleck. Gah! I'm so mad I just want to cry!

Oh well today will be better. I'll eat as little as possible to keep everyone happy, and exercise without being too obvious about it. I'm running out of time to lose the weight. I need to kick myself into high gear.

[LadyBird]

aw, I'm sorry about the boyfriend thing...fights like that suck because you can never really come to a resolution; he either has to accept your beliefs or not. But in all likelihood it was just a fight, and you guys will talk it out, and it'll turn out fine. Try not to dwell on it too much, and I'm sure it'll turn out ok.

[candy]

Thanks Ladybird. I'm sure it'll work out fine too.

I'm totally stressed right now. I don't quite know why. I'm stressed about my boyfriend. We haven't really talked since wednesday, but we're going out to dinner tonight (I'm not eating but anyways) I'm at a total crossroads. I know I love him, almost too much to bear, but I'm also very frustrated with him right now.

I just want this summer to be hassel free. On a whim I decided I'd go have a summer fling with a lifegaurd or something (I was really mad at my bf) so I told Amber and she was like "you totally should, you and David should take a break, if you're meant to be you'll be back together in no time" Which is true. So I was like, yep I'm gonna do it, I'm going on a break. But I've been thinking about it and just the thought of not having my bf around makes me want to cry. It's ridiculous. Maybe it's just because I'm on my period, I don't know. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do, and I figure I should get it done and over with if I"m going to...

So with being stressed comes me puking, not purging, but my body just hates me and makes me throw up. It sucks, because there isn't even the "high" with the purge. But then I feel so sick and gross and my stomach won't settle, so I have to eat a bunch so my stomach won't eat it'self. Now my stomach hurts and I'm queasy all the time, so I dont want to eat at all, but I want to at the same time (?it confuses me too, maybe because I"m not imposing it on myself?)

Anyways, Yesterday I started getting sick, which makes it really hard to keep anything down, and I've got big chipmunck cheeks from puking, and i look gross. I went to bed at 830 last night because I felt so crappy and my stomach was killing me so I tossed and turned most of the night.

Today, I've had tea(2) , a cracker (5), liptons white tea (160) and now I'm eating baby oatmeal (60)

Total: 227 If only I hadn't had the lipton tea, I'd be great.

Hopefully I'll get through the rest of the day without being forced to eat. Somehow I don't think I'll make it, especially since it was my idea to go out to dinner. Oh well, salad is always good.

Oh! Funnyness! so Amber (my host mom, I'm a live in au pair) is a nurse, and knows about my ed (she confronted me and was like "okay, you're anorexic, and you're going to ruin your life and kill yourself, you need to try and get over it") and is very supportive about the whole thing, she just sorta sits on the sidelines and watches, gives advice, tries to help me out all that. Anyways, I haven't been eating well for a couple weeks now (first the was the pregnancy scare, now it's just everyday stress) and she was like "if you start passing out on me again I will have to start feeding you rectally" Oh god, I just about died, it was sooo funny! "Okay here's some cheese, now mm pretzels" Oh god! So funny, she says she's got it all planned out and I won't even know it's happening. She's so much fun, I love her!

[candy]

So Yesterday was great, until like 9pm. I had a salad for breakfast at like 9am, then another for lunch at 3 and I wasn't going to have dinner, so it would've been around 200 cals, but then I got invited to a wedding reception at the last minute. Amber was there so I had to eat, although I'm pretty sure most of the people we were sitting with know about my ED as they all work with Amber and Amber told them. ( I don't care, it's part of who I am, and they leave me alone about my eating habits, so it works out fine)

So there was a buffet, which are really scary to begin with as it seems that it's always fried food. I waited till everyone else got their food, so i could see what there was then went up and got a tiny plate of salad, and a piece of dim sum. My plate looked so pretty, I didn't even want to eat it, but I had to of course. Then my girlfriend called and we were going to go out for tea, so I was like, "meh, I"ll eat the deep fried stuff and just purge after I leave the wedding so amber doesn't get upset with me" but of course, by thinking that plans got canceled and I didn't end up going for tea, so I couldn't purge (It's really obvious when I do, eyes all blood shot and all that). I decieded that it would be fine, and just enjoyed myself, had cake, and danced my ass off.

All in all I'd say I had ~ 1000cals, even with the gross deep fried stuff, because I only had a bite of each thing.

But today will be better. I figured out where I can get macadamia nuts, so I'm going to buy some today and start the kewick think tomorrow.

Oh, Weigh in: 105.5, should be less in a bit if you know what I mean...

[candy]

So today went quite well. I did the kewick thinger, had my 1000 cals of cream cheese/ macadamia nuts. I really like the nuts, I just need to find a cheaper option. I tried ordering some off ebay, but I think I forgot to send the s&h cost, so they probably won't send it, which means I won't get them very soon. Oh well. I'll jsut have to live off of cream cheese.

I wasn't hungry once, but eating 1000 cals, I don't suppose I would be. I really hope this works, because in reality alls I want to lose is fat, I don't need to weigh 75lbs if I can just get rid of my fat, you know? Hopefully the scales will go down on this diet, and my fat will go away. that'd be great, if not, then I'll just have to work harder.

[candy]

So day 2 of the fat fast, I think it's going really well. I feel skinnier, my stomach looks flatter, but it's probably all in my head *shurg* I managed to avoid the scale this morning, and everytime I've gone to the bathroom. I usually weigh everytime I go pee, but I haven't once today, and believe me it's taken a lot of willpower. I'm dying to know if I've lost or not, but I decided I'd wait. In reality, if I haven't changed it's just gonna make me mad and make me eat, which is bad. So no scale for me. I'm going to be really sad if this doesn't do squat! k don't think about it.

I went to the gym this morning and burnt 300 cals in 30 minutes, but I didn't have tons of time, so that's all I got to do. I will hopefully go back tonight...probably going to go swimming in about 1/2 hour with the girls, which should burn some cals.

I haven't really cheated at all either. had a tiny bite of bagel (to make eating a butt load of cream cheese realistic) and 2 grapes. Fingers crossed I'll be able to get out of dinner with just a salad. I don't think that'd bump me out of ketosis. Anyways. that's all for now

[candy]

So I didn't manage to get out of dinner. I had 3 servins of cream cheese today, which left ~ 400 cals (for the whole 1000 cal deal) for supper. David made me supper, so unfortunately I had to eat it. I had a tine bit of fish, raw broccolli and tomatoes, I'd say about 100 cals worth. So I had 700 cals, burnt off 420. All in all, not bad I'd say. Hopefully the scales agree with me.

[candy]

So I weighed myself this morning 103lbs. So down 2lbs, not bad I guess, considering I did cheat. I was continuing on the fat fast, but then I tried to enroll in school,but they're being stupid, so i came home and really wanted some crabs, so I had a mini bagel and a bowl of noodles, which I'm going to purge. I don't knwo why I bother eating ti if I'm just goign to puke it back up, but meh. I've been really weak today, which is annoying, It feels like I've been fasting for 3 days instead of eating 1000cals each day. I'm sure these carbs will give me a bit of a boost, then my sugar will drop and i"ll want more. Stupid carbs! I' going to have to work my butt off tonight to get rid of this junk and lose more weight. I've decided I"m goign to go back to my carrots and salad plan, it works best for me.

god I really need to stop purging, it's so bad for me, I get so swollen and disgusting and it's totally obvious to anyone who knows what to look for.

I'm goign to finish off today with a nice salad, then get back to exercising like a maniac and eating raw veggies. Hopefully my weight will drop really fast so that I'm where I need to be or less.

[candy]

I kinda gave up on the whole fast thing. Hopefully I didn't gain. Ahh, now I'm really regretting it. It's crazy, how can I lose 2lbs in 2 days eating 1000 cals? I dont' get it? So today I had two servings of cream cheese, then I purged the mini bagel and noodles. Then I had a 1/4 cup of rice crispies, 1/2 cup lettuce, 1/2 cup apples sauce, and 1/4 cup baby oatmeal. So total is like 635, wow I thought it was going to be so much more. I guess I made a point of not eating unhealthhy junk, since I couldn't purge. There were so many times I opened the cupboard to have some bread, but then didn't. I so wanted a piece.

I didn't get to work out at all today. It sucked. but I'll make up for it tomorrow. I'm going to get up at 615, run for 1/2 hour, get the girls ready for school, take them to school. Then we'll see. Hopefully I'll have the energy to run lots tomorrow. I need to get back into the routine of things. With a treadmill at my fingertips, I should be using it. And a dog that needs exercise, I've got plenty of oppurtunity, I just need to use it, and I will start. Starting tomorrow. I dropped 10 lbs in two weeks in Jan, I can do it again now. I just have to set my mind to it.

[candy]

Today went really well I think. I had 361 cals today and I've burnt 950 purposefully exercising. I ran for 20 mins this morning, then went swimming for an hour, then this evening, I went to the gym and ran for another 20 and did the elliptical for 20. So roughly 2 hours of exercise today. It's great, and I feel awesome. After working out this evening I was all shaking and quaky, I never realized how much I love that feeling, until it's back. Hopefully my hard work will pay off. I've only got 2 weeks until my brother gets here, and roughly 10 lbs to lose, so I've got to work hard. My hard work will pay off, I will be 95lbs!

I'm going to take tomorrow easy. Going to get up and clean, then only after I'm finished cleaning the house top to bottom, then and only then, if I have time, I will go for a run, as a treat. If I make exercise a treat, I will enjoy it more. I seem to get bored really easily now, with running or whatever, maybe because it's getting easier, as I"m getting in better shape, so I don't have to push myself to keep going and I can think, so I get bored?

I'm going to have to incorperate some pilates or something again though. They made me look so good, when I was doing my orignial regime back in Jan.

Fingers crossed the scales will show my hard work today paid off.