Candy

[candy]

He's actually in really good shape right now. if he were anyone else hed be drool wor hy, but since he's david he's not because i'm still mad at him.

How exactly do you expect me to stop obsessing over my weight? I know I need to concentrate on getting my life in order, but when my weights in order my life is in order.you know?

Yesterday I had a grand total of 321 cals and I didn't lose any weight, whatts up with that? I swear my body hates me!
Today started out well,had 1/2 cup cream of wheat for breakfast, then
in my first class my friend brought in cookies for the class and made me take one, not eat it, just take it, but of course I wanted it, so I ate it. Then there was extra so I had another, like I needed another one! I don't know why I suck so bad lately. I just need to get life under control. come apri 20th I won't have to put up with the y, so that will be one less thing to worry about. I can't wait, honestly, it will be such a relief not to deal with that crap and be able to take time off when I need it.I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up and life would be all organized.

[candy]

OMG yesterday was so long, but I felt good up until now. I've been up for 1/2 an hour and I am beat. I was up at 5 yesterday, went to school all morning, then worked at the Y till 6, and at the coffee shop from 6 till 1130. Then I came home and had a shower. Purged in the shower, it felt so good, Had a veggie wrap and a piece of cake at work, and it all came back up, so I felt better, even though I know I absorbed most of the cals, at least it wasn't in me anymore.....
I was all hyped up on caffiene so I didn't get to bed until 1, and didn't get to sleep till about 2, then my puppy was up at 5am again, but I luckily i got another hour, and didn't have to get up till 6. I've got a 10 hour work day today, the first half is at the coffee shop, so i'll be able to chuge back the caffiene and after all work I'm going out to dinner. Going to get the most out of this whole eating 3 meals aday. Boys can take me out to dinner, and I can eat with only 3/4 of the guilt, since I know I"m "allowed" to eat dinner....
I think I'm going to avoid weighing myself, and just try to keep my intake below 1000, but healthy. Hopefully I will just stay at my current fat weight, which I'm guessing from yesterday is still at a whopping 105.....

[candy]

I didn't have breakfast this am just some coffee.I'm amazed at how filling it is. for lunch I had a veggie wrap. tried to purge, but it didn't work and I was on a time constraint, trying to get from one job to the other on time....

Going out to dinner tonight, but now I don't want to go since I ate so much already, plus my sugar is going all crazy on me, so tired, but that prob from lack of sleep and caffiene wearing off... I need to go to bed early tonight, but I doubt thatll happen. got too much shit to do. ugh!

[candy]

Fatter than ever before, oh god, I'm gross! I've just realized like 5 minutes ago that my fat hangs over the top of my pants, how disgusting! and they weren't even tight pants! This has really gotta stop!

I swam this morning, then I ran after school and walked too and from work, and I've had 195 cals. The worst part is I'm not getting any skinnier, this am I weighed in at 106.5, but everything I did today won't make alick of difference, I"m still going to wake up fat. I hate it! Why does my body do this to me? Oh it doesn't matter. It will pay off.

I even had healthy calories today. a yogurt and granola for breakfast, and then 1/2 an energy bar before my run, and the other half before work.

Told my boss today that I wouldn't be coaching much this session coming up. Man was he mad. Only me and one other coach work 5 days a week (6 days a week of classes) but I'm over it. Mainly I'm over having parents sit there and critisize the way theri child is behaving in my class. I'm NOT their parent, you were supposed to raise them to listen, it's not my FUCKING FAULT! UGH.

Okay I think I'm done ranting. I'm about to go and study then go get my body fat measured. I will let you know what it is if I can stomach it myself........

[candy]

The fat measuring machine is officially broken. It said my body fat % was 14, up .4 from last time when I was almost 10 lbs lighter. I garauntee I'm a heck of alot fatter. I'm disgusting, seriuosly, it's gross. I was elated for a split second, then I realized that it wasn't right, because I'm fat. I had a different person meauser me this time, so next time, when I'm actually thinner, I'm going to beg and plead for the original person to measure me, or one of the other "head measurers"

I'm disgusting, I can't deal with myself right now. Going to bed. Ugh, I'm so fucking fat!

[candy]

I knew my work wouldn't make a difference, I"m still a fat cow. I hate it! But I'm not going to wake up skinny one morning, I just wish I'd be a little skinnier. If only if only. weighed in at 105.0

I keep breaking down in tears when I get a real look at myself because I'm so fat and disgusting. I just want the fat to go away!
Hopefully now that I"m back on the right track and losing, no one will get in my way like before. My host mom or my other boss always threatened to fire me when I lost "too much weight" when I wasn't even skinny. Why did they insist on holding up my progress? Oh well, no matter, they can't stop me any more. They won't change me. I will be thin soon! No one can make me do anything I don't want to unless I let them. I won't let them anymore. My will is strong and I will succeed!
FOOD IS EVIL!

[candy]

I went and swam for 20 miutes this am before school. Had 2 egg whites for breakfast. Then went to school. had 1/4 cup of rice for lunch/dinner at 230. Then I went to work and helped set up. Had to leave and go write my entrance test for school, which was the biggest waste of 3 hours and 20 dollars of my hard earned money. Honestly, it would've taken me like 45 minutes if I didn't have to wwait for the alloted time. Kills me. After that I went to my personal training session. Now I'm over at a friends "studying" which as you can tell isn't really happening. but hey, I"m not at home so I can't eat. woot woot. I'm sure it won't matter in the morning, I'll still be fat, but I'm working on it. Ugh! I hate being fat!!!!!!

[candy]

Woke up at 104 this am. I'm kinda surprised because when I got home last night at midnight after studying I ate 400 cals, 190 for a protien bar, 80 for a cheese string and 120 for a piece of bread. I thought I'd wake up a heck of a lot fatter.ugh, so fat. It makes me sick to my stomach.

So in ethics class they had to take pictures. I was so disgusted with myself that I asked the teacher not to take pics of me, luckily she complied with my wishes. I'm so disgusting.

Got off coffee shop job and came home and ate brownie and rye crisp with a whole can of tuna. What was I thinking? Oh wait I wasn't I was bingeing. Ugh! Such a fat cow.

Needless to say I didn't lose this am, still 104. Blah! Today started out bad and it just keeps getting worse.starts with no lose,then at the coffee shop I spilt a drink all over the till, so its stoppped working, thenthe person that was supposed to drop off her dog was late,so I wa late back to work.

I've had a protein bar 180 cals, rye crisp 50 cals, cheese 50 cals and a smoothie 1million cals. I'm so fucking fat iits not even funny. I just want to die, or go to sleep.
After coaching I have to race home change then head to my friends surprise party, but i'm totally not into it right now, and i'm going to be late anyways. Ugh. I just want to curl up and sleep.

[candy]

So I went ot my friends party and had a piece of individual sized pizza and 10 chips, felt like a fat cow and was sure to see the scale rise this am. But it didn't, I was down a lb this am 103.0 I don't get it. So far today I've had cream of wheat made with milk, which would be 240 cals and a bag of popcorn 100 cals. All this food is going to start catching up with me again soon. God damnit. I need to stop being such a fat cow!!!!

[candy]

Popcorn and cream of wheat don't semm too bad compared with the rest of yesterday. at about 6 last night I txtd the guy I'd been seeing, who hasn't txtd me in ages, because he's been really busy and avoiding me. we were supposed to hang out last night, and i'd made plans to hang out with him through friends. anyways he told me that we couldn't be more than just friends right now because he is talking to his ex again. when he frist told me I was ok, but as the night wore on I got madder and madder. so my roommate and I went to cold stone, because apparently I needed it and got a huge ice cream each. Its no wonder the guys don't want me i'm a fat cow. weighed in at 104lbs this am. ugh! so fucking fat!

[candy]

I couldn't stand the thought of food all day, then my tummy got all upset, so I had some peppermint tea. My room mate wanted to go out to dinner, so I said I'd go. I had a side of salad w lemon juice for dressing , 3 onion rings and 5 fries. All in all it's not too bad, and I had to force myself to eat it....I'm sure I"ll still be fat in the morning, ugh. I need to get rid of it!

[candy]

WTF! Alls I had yesterday was the salad and jazz, and I gained a freaking pound! I"m so mad, it's not even funny! I weigh 105 lbs again. What the fuck!
It's been decided, I"m fasting this week. I don't have to work, all I have to do is go to school, so I won't have to worry about having energy...fuck, I hate being so fat, especially when I'm trying, hard, to lose!

[Skinny_Chick]

Running through to send *HUGS* I'm officially feeling bigger than our king size bed. Thank god I'm not the only one here who knows what Cold Stone is. I had it last week. No more for awhile. I've missed you. It's fabulous to be back. You should go read all the crazy news in my journal lol. *HUGS*

[candy]

I don't get it! I ate like a pig, had 1/2 bag of tortilla chips ice cream and some other junk and I still lost a lb...back down to 104lbs ...not going to complain, just confused.... Went to pt last night. Threw up during because I was so disgusted with myself for being such a fat cow.

I'm kinda being dumb,started half ass smoking, but I am not buying my own cigs, just smoking other peoples. Not going to waste my money on bad stuff.....I mean I'm doing enough damage to my body having ana. I don't need another dirty addiction.

[candy]

So it seems that if I eat after 7 pm I gain or stay the same, I had like 500 cals yesterday. but most were at 830 when I had dinner of 1/2 small sweet potatoe and a small salad and this am I weighed in at 104 again. I hate this weight, it's sooo nasty on me!

Today I've had 6 crackers with peanut butter, a piece of toast and a yoplait yogurt (40 cals) with a handful of granola and for dinner I"m having a salad with chicken, although I don't think I'll eat the chicken, too many cals.....We'll see if I can get out of the chicken....

My roommate and I are either going to work out or take the dogs for a walk tonight, plus i have personal training. Woot woot, burning the cals, not that I'm getting any thinner....ugh!