Candy

[candy]

So after making so much progress durin the week,I had a mjor binge yesterday. I had a cookie, a piece of pound cake, some tortilla chips (a little more than a serving) a huge salad with curried chichen a turkey on it, tomatoes, jalapenoes, and cucumbers. Oh my god, I was going to explode. I ate it all in like a 3 hour period and so when I got off work, I slept an digested. Then I ate 2 pieces of PIZZA at 11 pm.
Needless to say I"m a fat cow. Weighed in at 105.5.

I work 10 till630 tonight, then I need to study for bio, since I have a test on Tuesday...

[Hollister76]

I feel your pain on the cake...I had some yesterday and feel horribly guilty about it. Ugh. I don't even like cake.

[candy]

I did okay on Sunda, just had a little food, then yesterday I screwed it all up again, surprise surprise, I'm just good at screwing up I guess. I had 2corssaints, 10 pieces of candy, a butt load of carrots and cauliflower, a serving of ice cream, 2 nutter butters and a chocolate chip scone.

Went to bed a midnight, and I've been up since 330, because my puppy woke up and I thought she had to go pee, so I took her out of her kennel, but she didn't want to go downstairs, so I was like "whatever, guess she just wants to sleep with me" so I went to the bathroom, and when I went to get back in bed she'd peed on it. I was soooooo freaking mad. So I've been up trying to study for A&P and my public speaking speech.

I started a personal training session yesterday. It was good but not fun. I mean I like working out, but I felt like the fattest most disgusting creature in the world, working one on one with someone. Like I'd do something, and mess up, then I'd just be so frustrated about being fat and nasty that I'd want to cry. I'm going to keep at it though. It WILL pay off, and the guy that's training me isn't going to let me skip out, so it should be good. He said I'm only allowed to run 2 days a week though! What's he thnkng? how am I supposed to burn off all this fat if I don't do cardio? the weights are for toning, but I need to get rid of the fat!

[candy]

Did okay yesterday, had around 600 cals. This morning I went for a 5 mile run, and I've had 460 cals today and I personal trained. I'm not as sore as I thought I'd e, but man do I SUCK! I feel so weak and useless when I'm doing my personal training, but that could have something to do with the guy who's training me. It's my ex, I know I know, bad idea, but I'm honestly over him. We've been talking and he wants me back, but I don't want him back. I miss what we had in the beginning, but I dont' miss anything else. I dont' get that stupid little giddy feeling when I think about him, more of an annoyance feeling, not somethng i want back in my life...Besides, I got my new boy toy, who's a sweety.

Anyways, I will weigh in tomorrow morning. I've been such a fat cow lately,yesterday I weighed in at 108, I just about died. tonight when I stepped on the scale it said 103, so I'm hoping it was just food weight, but who knows. Alls I know is that it's gotta go, along with the fat!

Found cheap Macadamia nuts at walmart last night, so I've got those and cream cheese, going to start the fat fast tomorrow. I have 4 days worth of stuff, see how long I can last....

[candy]

So 'm really mad, even though I weighed 103 last evenig, this am I was 104.5. I just about cried, but instead, I went for a swim at the Y and hve started the fat fast. I will stick to it.

I'm surprised I'm not sore from my training session yesterday, cause it was hard when I was doing it! I guess it's a good thing though, right?

I wanted to go for a run this morning, but it's crazy windy out, so I don't think I'll be abl to go tonight either, which sucks. I need to get rid of this fat, and fast, I can't stand it! But I'm doing thngs, and they'll pay off, 've just gotta stick with it, that's all.

[MamaOf3]

I was wondering why I haven't heard from you in a while. Now I know! I have no comments....just disappointment!

[candy]

I'm so proud of myself right now. I totally resisted alll the candy at work, and I wanted some sooooo bad, but I just kept telling myself no.

Instead of actually working out tonight, I rock climbed instead, it's fun, but doesn't really burn any cals, since it's alot of sitting....

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be just as fat tomorrow as I am today, and I hate it. it's gross! I'm so nasty ugh!

[candy]

You're dissapointed in me Mama? Damn, that really hits home. I want to cry right now. I'm so fat and disgusting.
I gained 1/2 a lb since yesterday, and I was doing the fat fast thing, and I didn't cheat, I don't get it! Why do I fail at everythingso freaking bad? After a year and a half I stll cant reach my goal weight, what gives? I'm just dooomed to be a fat disgusting cow.

[MamaOf3]

Awe Hon,

i am not disappointed because of your weight. Nothing to do with it at all. I am worried about your situation with David! He is no good for you. Even if you say that you have a handle on it. You don't! He's going to reel you back in and then you are going to be in the same rotation as before. He just wants to keep you on a string. PLEASE!! Get rid of him!!

[candy]

I had a shelf fall on my head yesterday, so I've had a splitting headache. I'm still weaing sunglasses inside because the light hurts my head so much. It's not fun. I can't run, I can't do anything, I'm so tired and my head hurts more if I do anything.

I went and saw my boytoy (not David, the new guy) and we fell asleep cuddlng, and when I woke up I had NO idea where I was. It was the scariest thing ever. Waking up in some strange bed. I was like "well all my clothes are on, so I can't be in too much trouble" then I slowly remembered where I was. When he came back in the room he was laughing at me for sleeping in my sunglasses, but I rock em, so it's all good. I'm hoping my head feels better tomorrow morning, or I'm going to be really bummed out.

I'm glad you're not mad at me about my weight mama, I was so upset when I thought that's what you were talking about, because I'm mad enough at myself for being such a cow, and then I thought you were mad at me too. I know I need to stay away from David, but I NEED to be skinny more than I need to stay away from him, so skinny has won out.

[candy]

God damn it I'm such a disgusting cow. Kill me now! 108 again today.how gross is that? Seriously I'm such a failure. So far today I've had 521cals. Slim fast for breakfast, salad w a little turkey and some dippin dots. I really sjouldnt have had the ice cream, but tis life I guess.I've decided to try to just eat healthy, 3 meals a day sorta dealio, weed out the unhealthy stuff (ie ice cream). I need to get my eating habits under control, no more gorging myself on junk. I hope that once I get a handle on my eating habits then I can just start cutting the cals. As long as I don't keep gaining, I shouldn't breakdown. I'm so over being fat, but I have no one to blame but myself...

Wrote that on monday...
had 621 cals on monday, weighed in at 105 yesterday am.
had 524 cals yesterday, and weighed in at 104.5 just a few seconds ago. i'm so freaking fat, I just need it to go away.

I have personal training again tonight, so hopefully that will make a difference. I hate being so disgusting. honestly, its horrible. my fat pants don't even fit very well....ugh!

[candy]

I went for breakfast this am with a friend, had 1/2 of a cheese omlete and a buiscit.

I just got out of lab where we are disecting poor little kittys, which has definately turned my stomach, the smell of warm phermaldahyde and seeing the cats, it just didn't go well this morning. I really regretted eating breakfast, because it didn't stay down long after I got to lab.

I'm going to go and chill at the library and read before work, so I don't have to eat.

[candy]

Grr I'm so mad right now it's not even funny. I went to my personal training session but my trainer wouldn't train me because I didn't have dnner before hand, but I didn't have time and I didn't want to trow up my dinner or anything. Then I tried to get my body fat measured and the lady wouldn't measure it for me becaue she says I'm too obsessed with my weight. Well maybe if you'd fucking measure me I'd be ok with the weight gain if I knew it was muscle and not fat!!!!!!!! GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean I know I need to eat dinner, but I just can't. Not after my trainer was bragging about getting his body fat measured and the fact that he was 8% and here I am a fat freaking cow, and he expects me to eat dinner. Seriously!

[candy]

Wrote this earlier, thought it posted....

The library idea was definitely a good one. I think I might start chilling there more. Besides reading never hurt anyone.

For lunch I had a rye crisp. a quarter of those giamongous circles. if I remember right that's like 80 cals...not sure though, have to put it into fit watch when I get home tonight.

Riight now i'm just chilling at work waiting till 3 to start setting up for my classes. so i've got 10 mins to kill.

I'm really tired right now. could totally go for a nap, but alas must pay the bills. I took 2 caffiene pills a few minutes ago, so once those kick in I should have some energy.

Got personal training tonight at 7, right after work, hopefully I will have energy to work hard..

[MamaOf3]

I know that you are not worried about stupid David's stupid body fat!! He also has no muscle tone or anything.... he's just a stick. Men are supposed to have low body fat count anyway. You cannot compare yourself to him.... its not fair. Come on now, don't be silly. Would you please stop seeing him? He's stupid!!!!!

Right now you need to stop obsessing over your weight. You need to focus on getting your life and career secure. I think once you get all those stressors taken care of, your weight will fall into place. You'll get off that stupid cycle and meet your goals.

Remember that I am here for you and be safe.