Candy

[candy]

Today went awesome!!!! I'm so stoked. The best part is that I now have dreadlocks, and they rock! I fasted all day, didn't even want to eat, alls I've had was 2 diet cokes, one at about 4 pm and the other I nursed from 7 till 10pm. I'm sooo happy, I'm a little hungry right now, but that's to be expected. Hopefully I"ll get to fast again tomorrow, it'd be super awesome! I love my dreads, they're super! I can't wait to step on the scale tomorrow morning, I've avoided it all day, since i weighed in this morning at 104.5, I'm dying to know what I weigh, but I'll wait.

By the way dreading's tons of work and my arms are now really sore, hopefully I burned cals, and I stood the entier time doing it, couldn't stand the thought of sitting. EEEE! DREADS!!!

[candy]

Okay, it's 836 am and I've been up for roughly an hour, but I didn't weigh myself, so I just got up and weighed my self, 99lbs BABY. I can't believe it, I was 104.5 yesterday morning, but the few days before that I was consistent at about 102 ish, so I'm guessing the gain was just water weight. I'm soo happy even though I know the minute I rehydrate myself I'll be back up, but just seeing 99 made my freaking day!

[candy]

Obviously my 99lbs didn't last long, and I ate today, bleck! Tis life though. Justin and I wandered around Norfolk all morning though, so it should've burned some cals. I had crab quiche for lunch, and ugh, 4 bites of cake for dessert. So at the very least 700cals. Right now I weigh 102lbs, hopefully it's just food weight though and I'll be back down tomorrow morning......*shrug* as long as I'm down again by friday it's all good.

[candy]

So even after eating an entire lindt chocolate bar to myself last night, I'm down again 98 lbs! Woot! I've lost 8lbs in 7 days. Now I just need to keep losing. I"m on such a roll, I"m soo happy, I just hope I don't screw it up. I won't screw it up, I will win!

Considering it's independence day I imagine I'll have to eat something tonight, just for the festivities, I really want cotton candy, but other than that I hope to avoid food.

[candy]

I"m going to cry!!!!!! my scales broken, alls it does is flash the time! Ahhh! I need my scales for my lively hood!

[candy]

I fixed my scales, so life is okay. I consumed 636 cals today and didn't do much in the form of exerise so i highly doubt I'll be 98 tomorrow morning, but here's hoping.

On a side note, my boyfriend is being an idiot. bah I hate idiots, he expects me to wait around for him, or drop all my plans to chill with him, he makes no effort anymore, I'm the only one trying anymore, it's stupid. And then he gets all mopy if I don't come and see him. Bah stupid boys. I'm goign to have to have a chat with him, maybe I'll get my lifegaurd fling after all......

[Decadence]

I hate when boys are like that!!

They just expect you to do everything.... it drives me up the wall. I can't stand it.

The best thing to do? Go out with another guy I mean, not like "go out", but just hang out, innocently, but make sure your bf knows. And if he asks, say: "Well, he had all these fun plans...."

Then the bf will be jealous and try to out fun-plan the other boy

That's what I have to do... a little jealousy goes a long way, jaja. Boys are such funny/odd little creatures...

Good luck with the fasting
-Deccy

[candy]

Decay I wish I could do the whole jealousy trick, but unfortunately I don't really know anyone here, sad i know since I've been here for 6 months now, but I've basically just kept to myself, worked and hung out with my boyfriend. I'm meeting more people now that it's summer, so I will be making other plans with people and David will get jealous, he's already jealous of my bro being here.

Gah he called this morning at like 830, not that it really matters as I was up, but he was all whinning that his back was sore and he wanted me to come give him a massage. Grr, is that all I'm good for? catering to your needs? F that noise, I'm really frustrated. Hopefully I'll get over it soon, or end it with him. I mean I love him, but he drives me nuts sometimes.

It's 9am and I'm having a diet coke, was going to eat something, but I told myself no, and I will keep telling myself no. food is the devil!

Ugh, up 2lbs. 100, bleck! back in the triple digits, horrendous! It'll be gone by the end of the day though, there's tons of waste in me, I really want to do a flush, but that's not quite condusive to amusement parks.

[candy]

So yesterday went pretty well, fasted, except for the cotton candy It was good and I'd run around water country all day. Unfortunately i'm stuck, it sucks, I can't get past 98lbs, I fluctuate (depending on how much I drink) between 101 and 98 through out the day, it sucks, I just want to go down!

I had 566 cals today, all before 11am, but I pruged, I wasn't planning to, I was eating because my body was aching so badly, I figured from lack of food, so I ate some special K (two bowls) and some water melon, yogurt and a banana. I wasn't going to purge, but then I just did it. I'm all shaky now (6pm) like I haven't eaten in a few days, which makes me happy. I need to lose this weight, I suck at being fat, so I'll just have to be skinny.

Wedding tomorrow, going to avoid food like the plague....

[candy]

So I've been fasting since 11am friday, almost 48 hours! Yeah. I'm dying to know how much I weigh, but there's no scale.

I went to my boyfriend's friday night, and he had made dinner for all his buddies that were coming over for movie night, so I just couldn't eat, not with all those people around!

WE got up really early Saturday morning to drive to Richmond to go to his friend's little sister's wedding. WE got to his friends place at around 9, and the wedding didn't start till 4, so he ate and I slept. Man am I ever sore! sleeping on a couch curreld up in a little ball frezzing to death because the a/c is on crazy high. So I ddin't have to eat then, and I didn't have to worry about him commenting on my stomach grumbling, like he did in the morning (full of diet coke, so it bubbles alot, it's funny!) Went to the wedding, which lasted till about 530, where there was no food, then to the reception, where there was tons of food, bleck! All greasy deep fried junk!
Everyone was complainig about how hot it was in the hall, but I was frezzing, so David was telling them how weird I am for being cold in 100 degree weather and warm in capris and a sweater in the winter. Luckily there was coffee, which people kept looking at me funny for drinking, cause I was huddled over it, like in the winter. A few peoplke asked me if I was going to eat, and I just said no, and they kinda just left it at that, which was nice. After we helped clean up and everything, David, Alex (the friend who's sis got married), Mindy (alex's girlfriend), Brandon (borhter in law to alex, married to different sister) and I all went bolwing. Had a great time.

Unfortunately I was really weak and tired, so I sucked at bowling, plus I had a killer headache and the meds hadn't kicked in yet. I sorta lost my balance a bit a couple of times, so David asked me if I"d aten dinner friday night, to which I said no. Then he got upset with me, because he knew I hadn't eaten all day either, as he was with me all day. Alls he said "was god damnit Mariah, you haven't eaten all day either, and you just about passed out a few mintues ago" when I said I'd just stumbled, he got mad and walked away. but he got over it pretty quick and came to snuggle with me lots, so it was all good.
Sleeping all day made it realy hard for me to get to sleep last night, I was tossing and turning till past 2 am and I've been awake off and on since 6, been browsing the net since 830....I promised David I'd eat something today, I'm hoping I can avoid eating until we get back home, but I don't really have much faith that that'll happen....
Tomorrow my family and I are going to water country, so I'll have to eat, passing out with them would end in a catastraphy of me getting fired, which I won't do. It sucks because we can't bring our own food or drinks in, so there's only water from the fountain unless we buy food, which is all gross amusement park food. Anyways that's all for now. Hopefully I'll get to weigh myself before I eat anything.....

[candy]

Okay so my fast was a waste of time! I didn't lose a lb! I was so mad, but I didn't binge, so it's okay.
Monday I had around 500 cals. I'm really quite stressed right now because I'm on my official last chance with my family with my ed, my host mom and i both don't think I can change, because I don't want to, it gives me too much pleasure.
So last night I told my boyfriend that, and he was like "yeah you're on your last chance with me too, if you pass out again I'm gone."
What am I supposed to say to that? I thought that he'd be there for me, now I find out that he'll drop me in an instant. He was like "you have a problem you know?" yes, thank you I know that, but I can't fix it, I've been trying off and on for 6 months now. God damnit! One minute he tells me he never wants us to break up and that he wants to marry me, now he's telling me that if I pass out again from not eating he'll dump me, and then I'll have no one. WTF? I can't do this, I can't give up ana and the weightloss, I"m no where near my goal, but I also can't lose everything I love here. I can't recover, I tried. My host mom just wants me to eat enough to be healthy. I told her I fasted over the weekend, and she wasn't impressed, because it means there's no way i hell that I've kicked this. I don't know what I'm going to do. Part of me says to just maintain for now, save my money like a scrouge, then next fall move out on my own. Just be normalish for a year, then get back at it later, but I dont' want to. I think that if I could just reach my first goal weight and stay there I'd be okay for like 6 months, without feeling the need to lose more. I wish I could just go *poof* and be 90lbs and maintain.

So I've decided, that instead of saying I can't eat anymore than ____ cals today, I'll say I have to eat 500 at the very least, just so that I"m eating and people won't get mad. God knows I don't want to, but I manage 500 pretty well, so it should be okay, and unfortunately no more fasting, I'm going to have to stop that. gah, I'm so upset, I want to cry.

On a positive note, I was down to 97.5 last night, it made my day. I was so happy I told my bf, who totally ruined it he was all like "eww, that's gross" so of course the first thing that pops into my mind it "yeah he's right I"m still a fat cow! I need to lose more!" but he just thinks it's gross that i'm under 100lbs.

One of his roomies heard him say ew and was like what? So David told him I was 97lbs and the look of shock on his face was awesome! He was like "are you serious? That's crazy, you need to put on weight!" I was like "um no, I need to lose 3 more lbs, then I'll be happy" So now all his roomies know I have an ed, and think I'm crazier than I already was, but atleast they love me.

I told Chris (other roomie, known him longer) that school statred in a month and that I was very excited and he was like "wait, where are you going to school" I'm just going to a local college here so he was like "good, because you can't leave." I feel so loved ove there, atleast by David's roommates, sometimes not so much from David because he makes evil comments. We were watching a show last night about people in a weight loss clinic and he was like "eww what fatties!" and whe I told him I was 97lbs he was like "ewww, fatty" I mean I know he was joking, but it still hurts, no one should tell someone they're fat, it's evil. i was so proud of the people on the show, but jealous at the same time, because they're congratulated for losing weight, where as people just get mad at me for losing. It's dumb! Okay I think I'm finished my rant

I've had 220cals already, in one sitting. I had 2, I repeat 2 bowls of special K cereal, I don't knwo why I had the second bowl, but it was good. now I'm so full it's gross. It's noon now, and I had the cereal at 10 and it's just sitting in my stomach being gross, I want to puke, but I won't let myself. So I've got ~300 cals left to eat at the bear minimum, somehow I dont' see that happening though. Gah I hate me

[candy]

So it's 530 and I'm having a very hard time eating 500 cals. I've eaten basically whatever I want, and i"m only at 470. I really don't want anything else. Seting a minimum makes it harder for me to eat that, isn't it weird, when I said I wasn't allowed to eat over 500 I'd easily go over. crazyness.

So I've had the two bowls of special K, 15 grapes, 2 graham crackers, 3 rice cakes, a bite of a small appel (it was warm and not yummy) and 1/2 of a small banana, and according to fitwatch I've only had 473. Really quite annoying, I haven't left a thing out either. Usually when I add things in my head I'm always less than the actually amount, but today I was over, it's crazy. For supper I"m going to have a salad, wiht mustard, which is only 15 cals, which will put me at 488, close enough to 500 right? but I"m supposed to eat over that, but I really don't want to.....
Oh well. it'll all work out...........

[candy]

So it's 6pm and I'm having a very hard time eating 500 cals. I've eaten basically whatever I want, and i"m only at 470. I really don't want anything else. Seting a minimum makes it harder for me to eat that, isn't it weird, when I said I wasn't allowed to eat over 500 I'd easily go over. crazyness.

So I've had the two bowls of special K, 15 grapes, 2 graham crackers, 3 rice cakes, a bite of a small appel (it was warm and not yummy) and 1/2 of a small banana, and according to fitwatch I've only had 473. Really quite annoying, I haven't left a thing out either. Usually when I add things in my head I'm always less than the actually amount, but today I was over, it's crazy. For supper I"m going to have a salad, wiht mustard, which is only 15 cals, which will put me at 488, close enough to 500 right? but I"m supposed to eat over that, but I really don't want to.....
Oh well. it'll all work out...........

[candy]

So that was tuesday, I ended up eating a ton of graham crackers, and definately went over 500, I probably had like 1500cals, disgusting.

yesterday I had 5 graham crackers, 3 rice cakes, with peanut butter (gross I know) a special K granola bar, salad and a few bites of macaroni and cheese. all together over 700 cals.

It's 1030 am thursday and I've already had 320ish cals, I've had 2 graham crackers, 15 grapes and 5 animal crackers. gross gross gross. I hate eating! but I've got to *sigh*

[*No more footprints*]

Hey Candy!

Don't worry about Tuesday, I'm sure you didnt eat as much as you think you did - and even if you did, It was probably a nice wake up call for your metabolism! Plus, 1500cals isnt that bad - you could've had a mammoth binge and eaten 2500+!

SO far today my calorie intake has been about the same as yours at 320, and so I do understand, I feel a bit crappy too, but once again just think "it could be worse!"

I'm off to go look at some lovely thinspo!



*NMF*