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michellestar
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 1746
Location: UK
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 Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 10:58 pm Post subject:
Bulimia - my reality
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Okay, well this is kind of hard for me to post because it's so private and personal (it's today's entry from my diary which I have never shown ANYONE and am only posting here cos it's anonymous...)
But I just feel like I should share it with people cos I have heard a lot of people asking for tips of purging and stuff and I don't want to sound like I am trying to control them, cos it's really none of my business whether they purge or not, but I just want to let people who don't purge but are maybe thinking of trying it know what it's really like, for me at least...
Sorry it's so long but since starting my diary I have gotten addicted and write lodes in it!
Btw, if you read this, keep in mind that I only purged for the first time about 3 months ago and at the time told myself it was a one-off and I would never do it again...
13th October 2006
10:10pm
Fuck Mia. Fuck her.
Just as Ana is the best friend I could have, Mia is my worst enemy, the bitch that forces me to binge until the guilt is overwhelming and then spew it all back out, tearing up my insides with a searing pain each time and only ever making things worse. She is a two-faced little slut, pretending to be my friend and then laughing in my face when I realise – and soon forget – that she has total control over me, not the other way round.
She forces me to walk past counters and counters of wonderful, tempting foods and lulls me into a false sense of security – It’s okay, she whispers, remember how easy it is? A small trip to the bathroom and you can be empty again, it’s that simple.
Only nothing is ever that simple. I know, deep down I know, that it’s not as easy and guilt-free as she tells me it is but it’s so comforting to hear her voice in my head, reassuring me that I can have the best of both worlds, savouring all the foods I love and yet still losing weight. I’m better than Ana, she’ll say, because why feel the hunger and pain of skipping meals when you can have them, have all you want, and still reach the same ultimate goal of losing weight?
And when she says it like that it makes such perfect sense that I am helpless to say no. So I do as she tells me – I race around, gathering up packet after colourful packet, and for a moment there is the heady rush of glorious happiness, and something else too; I am overwhelmed temporarily by sense of great intelligence and superiority, thinking about all those people starving themselves to be skinny and laughing silently at them, believing that I have discovered something oh-so-much better which they are not clever enough to have figured out themselves.
It is a powerful feeling, but one that soon fades as powerful becomes powerless. Generally that giddy superiority fades the moment I take my first bite, or sometimes a little later. It happens when I suddenly realise with crystal clarity that I have been conned - Mia made me believe that I was in control, but it soon becomes clear that I have no control whatsoever. I simply do not possess the ability to stop eating. Not only that, she told me that I could lose weight whilst still enjoying my favourite foods, and yet here I am, cramming each huge slab of cake into my mouth faster than I did the last and yet tasting nothing.
And then comes the part that I dread and crave in equal parts – purging, ridding myself of these evil foods. The need to purge increases every second because each bite equals another destructive mass of calories that is determined to ruin my weight-loss. I think constantly of the minutes, the seconds, that have past and reel in horror at the thought of how many calories have already been absorbed and are rushing down towards my thighs or forwards towards my belly, intent on widening and softening it, turning skin to fat and fat to roll upon roll of disgusting flab. Sometimes I even rest my hand on my belly and feel disgusted at myself as I feel the curve of its roundness.
Eventually the need to purge becomes greater than the need to eat, and with a sense of urgency that seems to make my heart beat faster and my hands shake, I rush into the bathroom and gather what I need – a hair-tie to keep my hair out of the way, water to rinse my mouth out, a plastic razor to slam down my throat and move about until the food comes up, and a neat pile of individual sheets of toilet paper to clean the razor between each purge. This is the moment when Mia drops the barrier that she has put up in my mind, blocking the memory of past purging sessions, and I instantly recall just how difficult it is to purge, and how it gets harder and harder each time as I become more used to the feeling of having something in my throat and so need to put it that little bit further down to achieve the same effect, much like a drug addict who has to take a bigger hit each time to get high.
I am overcome with terror at this – what if I can’t purge this time? What if all those calories stay inside me? Mentally I begin to add up the calories I think were in each item but this just sends me into more of a panic. Am I guessing the number of calories right? After all, I have been hundreds of calories out before. And what if I have missed something out, forgotten something that I ate? Desperately I will lean further over the toilet, push the razor handle further down my throat and stab into the flesh there until, water that isn’t tears streaming from my eyes and blurring my vision, I will throw up a little more food.
If I am lucky, there will come a point where I throw up only liquid, tasting the sharp, bitter stomach acid on my tongue, and know that everything I swallowed is gone. More often however, it seems that I can’t get everything up – I look at the vomit in the toilet and think back over what I ate, and am convinced that it is not all there, that there is still food left in my stomach. Finally I reach a point where all I can do is cough and splutter, and grab the fat that hangs off of my body and spit degrading comments at myself relating to my absolute stupidity and my complete lack of will-power and self-control.
Carefully I will rinse the razor handle, dry it, and place it back where it belongs, then flush the toilet and spray the room with fabric-spray or deodorant, whatever is nearest at hand, to make any lingering smells that may give my story away to other people in my family.
So there you have it – a full and sickening account of exactly what it is really like to be bulimic. Eating disorders conjure up the horrifying images of skeletal anorexics which I am sure everyone has seen at some time or another, usually in a magazine, but they also conjure up images of waif-life celebrities and supermodels, which adorns them with not a sense of being good exactly, but a hint of glamour.
If you have read everything above, you will have realised that the reality is far from it. That is only my story, but I am sure that what I experience is not wildly different from the thoughts and emotions that other people like me go through. Coughing and spewing vomit all over your hands as you try to hold the razor handle as far down your throat as possible so that you continue vomiting – does that sound glamorous to you? I thought not.
3278 calories, that’s what I ate today, 2845 of them from chocolate and cake. I have kept various food diaries in the past, most often during my periods of under-eating and over-eating and so always at times when I am bingeing, and can safely say that I have never, ever even come close to eating that amount of calories before in my life. I must have purged about 1500, but that still leaves over 1700 which have been digested and when you consider that at one point I was easily keeping to 700 calories or less per day, you get some sort of idea of how different bulimia is to anorexia.
I long to have Ana back with me, back inside me, because I know that she too controls me as Mia does, but with Ana it is different. I crave her control over me because I am too weak to refuse food myself, so she must do it for me. Ana wants me to be thin, Ana wants me to achieve my dreams and my goals in life, whereas Mia hates me. She lies and tempts and deceives until I succumb to her demands, and then she instils in me a deep-rooted sense of self-hatred in stark contrast to the self-worth that Ana rewards me with.
I once carved Ana’s name into my arm in the hope that it would keep her with me, a part of me, but that plan failed miserably and the scar is fading. I want to re-cut it but it is too hard to remember to keep it hidden and so I have decided against that, but it does not make my intentions and less resolved.
As of the moment I wake up tomorrow, I am Ana through and through.
This time, it will last because I will make it last. I will do anything, whatever it takes, to be thin, and for that I need Ana. Too many times I have relied on Mia but I have finally seen her true self, realised her intentions and the outcomes that result from letting her into my life, and now I am armed with these realisations enough to push her away, hopefully forever.
I will be thin.
I will be thin!
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Blueberry Hill
Joined: 06 Jul 2006
Posts: 10
Location: Texas
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michellestar
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 1746
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 1:58 pm Post subject:
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| Blueberry Hill wrote: | | You must go through living hell, sweetie. I never thought of mia as being an enemy before, whereas I usually hear ana referred to as a friend. You are so right. The imagery you bring up is horrifying. This is very intelligent writing and I think you're very couragous. |
Thank you.
I think writing down all my feelings about mia was the kick-start I needed to stopping because it's only been half a day so far today, but I am doing so much better right now. I keep wanting to binge but every time I do I re-read what I wrote and I can stop myself wanting it so much
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desirable dream
Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Posts: 931
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 10:57 pm Post subject:
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That was very well written sweetie! I think you captured the essence of your struggle perfectly. Keep reading back over it in time of need. You will conquer this some day, hopefully some day soon 
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michellestar
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 1746
Location: UK
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DollyAna
Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 2240
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| Posted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:44 pm Post subject:
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michellestar i'm so sorry that you're going through this horendous hell,everthing you've wrote i can relate to from many years ago in my mia days..... 
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michellestar
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 1746
Location: UK
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| Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 2:42 pm Post subject:
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| dollybabe63 wrote: | | michellestar i'm so sorry that you're going through this horendous hell,everthing you've wrote i can relate to from many years ago in my mia days..... |
Well, if you managed to stop it then hopefully I can too
How did you manage to stop? Anything in particular that helped?
I'm doing good today, hopefully I can keep this up for the rest of the day =)
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DollyAna
Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 2240
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| Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 9:54 pm Post subject:
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I know this sounds awful but maybe it was a blessing in disguise because i hated mia so much;it made me feel so worthless & powerless,but i had to stop,i had no choice because i damaged my oesophagus & my swallowing got so bad that the food just wouldn't go down,it was stuck in my throat hours after i'd eaten it,i was ruining my teeth & purging was getting more & more difficult,then i started panicking incase i hadn't purged all the food up;but i had to have another endoscopy recently & i was so worried that they'd rumble me & confront me about mia so i just stopped purging & i haven't done it for nearly 4 weeks,but you know the old saying "never say never" which means i'd do it again but only in dire emergencies.... 
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michellestar
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 1746
Location: UK
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| Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 7:44 pm Post subject:
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| dollybabe63 wrote: | | I know this sounds awful but maybe it was a blessing in disguise because i hated mia so much;it made me feel so worthless & powerless,but i had to stop,i had no choice because i damaged my oesophagus & my swallowing got so bad that the food just wouldn't go down,it was stuck in my throat hours after i'd eaten it,i was ruining my teeth & purging was getting more & more difficult,then i started panicking incase i hadn't purged all the food up;but i had to have another endoscopy recently & i was so worried that they'd rumble me & confront me about mia so i just stopped purging & i haven't done it for nearly 4 weeks,but you know the old saying "never say never" which means i'd do it again but only in dire emergencies.... |
Well, I hope you can eventually stop forever!
I've noticed that when I talk really loudly (I teach gymnastics and am always having to raise my voice a lot to be heard over the kids) I get a sore throat really quickly now and that never used to happen.
Yesterday I binged and purged, and then binged again, but I told myself it was like a 'last binge' to eat all the stuff I love eating before I stopped eating them for good. I know that's a dangerous thing to do cos if I don't manage to stop, then I'll have gained weight for nothing, but today I have barely eaten and it is the first time I have managed to get back to ana in weeks and weeks, probably even months. I feel great!
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michellestar
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 1746
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 3:49 pm Post subject:
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I messed up agina yesterday, and today as well. I was doing so great (yeah, usual story...), I had under 100 calories and 100% of it from fruit and cucumber, but then when I got home I decided I was going to have 2 Kinder Bueno bars and then purge, but purging is always easier when you're fuller, so even tho I didn't actually feel like bingeing any more, I forced myself to eat and eat everything I could find, but then I couldn't purge it all! It just hurt too much I swear my throat's getting messed up now 
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mare
Joined: 19 Oct 2006
Posts: 11
Location: Croatia
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 7:50 pm Post subject:
Re: Bulimia - my reality
Subject description: it's ok baby
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it's really easy, you just have to decide it... try to afirmate what you want... | michellestar wrote: | Okay, well this is kind of hard for me to post because it's so private and personal (it's today's entry from my diary which I have never shown ANYONE and am only posting here cos it's anonymous...)
But I just feel like I should share it with people cos I have heard a lot of people asking for tips of purging and stuff and I don't want to sound like I am trying to control them, cos it's really none of my business whether they purge or not, but I just want to let people who don't purge but are maybe thinking of trying it know what it's really like, for me at least...
Sorry it's so long but since starting my diary I have gotten addicted and write lodes in it!
Btw, if you read this, keep in mind that I only purged for the first time about 3 months ago and at the time told myself it was a one-off and I would never do it again...
13th October 2006
10:10pm
Fuck Mia. Fuck her.
Just as Ana is the best friend I could have, Mia is my worst enemy, the bitch that forces me to binge until the guilt is overwhelming and then spew it all back out, tearing up my insides with a searing pain each time and only ever making things worse. She is a two-faced little slut, pretending to be my friend and then laughing in my face when I realise – and soon forget – that she has total control over me, not the other way round.
She forces me to walk past counters and counters of wonderful, tempting foods and lulls me into a false sense of security – It’s okay, she whispers, remember how easy it is? A small trip to the bathroom and you can be empty again, it’s that simple.
Only nothing is ever that simple. I know, deep down I know, that it’s not as easy and guilt-free as she tells me it is but it’s so comforting to hear her voice in my head, reassuring me that I can have the best of both worlds, savouring all the foods I love and yet still losing weight. I’m better than Ana, she’ll say, because why feel the hunger and pain of skipping meals when you can have them, have all you want, and still reach the same ultimate goal of losing weight?
And when she says it like that it makes such perfect sense that I am helpless to say no. So I do as she tells me – I race around, gathering up packet after colourful packet, and for a moment there is the heady rush of glorious happiness, and something else too; I am overwhelmed temporarily by sense of great intelligence and superiority, thinking about all those people starving themselves to be skinny and laughing silently at them, believing that I have discovered something oh-so-much better which they are not clever enough to have figured out themselves.
It is a powerful feeling, but one that soon fades as powerful becomes powerless. Generally that giddy superiority fades the moment I take my first bite, or sometimes a little later. It happens when I suddenly realise with crystal clarity that I have been conned - Mia made me believe that I was in control, but it soon becomes clear that I have no control whatsoever. I simply do not possess the ability to stop eating. Not only that, she told me that I could lose weight whilst still enjoying my favourite foods, and yet here I am, cramming each huge slab of cake into my mouth faster than I did the last and yet tasting nothing.
And then comes the part that I dread and crave in equal parts – purging, ridding myself of these evil foods. The need to purge increases every second because each bite equals another destructive mass of calories that is determined to ruin my weight-loss. I think constantly of the minutes, the seconds, that have past and reel in horror at the thought of how many calories have already been absorbed and are rushing down towards my thighs or forwards towards my belly, intent on widening and softening it, turning skin to fat and fat to roll upon roll of disgusting flab. Sometimes I even rest my hand on my belly and feel disgusted at myself as I feel the curve of its roundness.
Eventually the need to purge becomes greater than the need to eat, and with a sense of urgency that seems to make my heart beat faster and my hands shake, I rush into the bathroom and gather what I need – a hair-tie to keep my hair out of the way, water to rinse my mouth out, a plastic razor to slam down my throat and move about until the food comes up, and a neat pile of individual sheets of toilet paper to clean the razor between each purge. This is the moment when Mia drops the barrier that she has put up in my mind, blocking the memory of past purging sessions, and I instantly recall just how difficult it is to purge, and how it gets harder and harder each time as I become more used to the feeling of having something in my throat and so need to put it that little bit further down to achieve the same effect, much like a drug addict who has to take a big hit each time to get high.
I am overcome with terror at this – what if I can’t purge this time? What if all those calories stay inside me? Mentally I begin to add up the calories I think were in each item but this just sends me into more of a panic. Am I guessing the number of calories right? After all, I have been hundreds of calories out before. And what if I have missed something out, forgotten something that I ate? Desperately I will lean further over the toilet, push the razor handle further down my throat and stab into the flesh there until, water that isn’t tears streaming from my eyes and blurring my vision, I will throw up a little more food.
If I am lucky, there will come a point where I throw up only liquid, tasting the sharp, bitter stomach acid on my tongue, and know that everything I swallowed is gone. More often however, it seems that I can’t get everything up – I look at the vomit in the toilet and think back over what I ate, and am convinced that it is not all there, that there is still food left in my stomach. Finally I reach a point where all I can do is cough and splutter, and grab the fat that hangs off of my body and spit degrading comments at myself relating to my absolute stupidity and my complete lack of will-power and self-control.
Carefully I will rinse the razor handle, dry it, and place it back where it belongs, then flush the toilet and spray the room with fabric-spray or deodorant, whatever is nearest at hand, to make any lingering smells that may give my story away to other people in my family.
So there you have it – a full and sickening account of exactly what it is really like to be bulimic. Eating disorders conjure up the horrifying images of skeletal anorexics which I am sure everyone has seen at some time or another, usually in a magazine, but they also conjure up images of waif-life celebrities and supermodels, which adorns them with not a sense of being good exactly, but a hint of glamour.
If you have read everything above, you will have realised that the reality is far from it. That is only my story, but I am sure that what I experience is not wildly different from the thoughts and emotions that other people like me go through. Coughing and spewing vomit all over your hands as you try to hold the razor handle as far down your throat as possible so that you continue vomiting – does that sound glamorous to you? I thought not.
3278 calories, that’s what I ate today, 2845 of them from chocolate and cake. I have kept various food diaries in the past, most often during my periods of under-eating and over-eating and so always at times when I am bingeing, and can safely say that I have never, ever even come close to eating that amount of calories before in my life. I must have purged about 1500, but that still leaves over 1700 which have been digested and when you consider that at one point I was easily keeping to 700 calories or less per day, you get some sort of idea of how different bulimia is to anorexia.
I long to have Ana back with me, back inside me, because I know that she too controls me as Mia does, but with Ana it is different. I crave her control over me because I am too weak to refuse food myself, so she must do it for me. Ana wants me to be thin, Ana wants me to achieve my dreams and my goals in life, whereas Mia hates me. She lies and tempts and deceives until I succumb to her demands, and then she instils in me a deep-rooted sense of self-hatred in stark contrast to the self-worth that Ana rewards me with.
I once carved Ana’s name into my arm in the hope that it would keep her with me, a part of me, but that plan failed miserably and the scar is fading. I want to re-cut it but it is too hard to remember to keep it hidden and so I have decided against that, but it does not make my intentions and less resolved.
As of the moment I wake up tomorrow, I am Ana through and through.
This time, it will last because I will make it last. I will do anything, whatever it takes, to be thin, and for that I need Ana. Too many times I have relied on Mia but I have finally seen her true self, realised her intentions and the outcomes that result from letting her into my life, and now I am armed with these realisations enough to push her away, hopefully forever.
I will be thin.
I will be thin! |
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DollyAna
Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 2240
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| Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 9:06 pm Post subject:
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in my own personal experience of having lived with ED's for at least 22 years i don't think i could ever really say "never" & truly mean it because these things creep up on you & control you just when you may have felt that you were the one in control;but right now i've bashed mia on the head & i feel so much more in control with ana.....
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mare
Joined: 19 Oct 2006
Posts: 11
Location: Croatia
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michellestar
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 1746
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:31 pm Post subject:
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Admittedly, I did binge slightly earlier, but I am doing better today than I have done in weeks and weeks! My trick? As soon as I started bingeing I forced myself to stop and went to sleep for a few hours lol. I've just woken up and it's time for dinner, so there was no time for me to think of snacking 
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