Blackbird Take Two

[blackbird3105]

It's been nearly a year since I've last visited here but you know what they say- absence makes the heart grow fonder and it certainly does. I've shamefully hidden away from the forum and let my bulimia take an entire grip on my life- periods of dramatic weight loss and dramatic weight gain and I'm back stable and ready to embark upon this journey again.

Yesterday I hit a brick wall- I feel as though I'm being failed by everyone around me, not because they themselves are failures but because nobody seems to be able to do anything to help me. And lying in bed at 2am this morning I realised that if I truly want to have a shot at happiness they I want one last go at getting my body back on track and so it starts today- one final attempt.

Right at this moment I've got no grand fast planned- partly because I know my mum is coming up on the weekend and she's a constant tracker on my food. But I have made the decision to give up all life's treats (chocolate, crisps, cake and biscuits) and also to only eat when I have to.

I owe it to myself to try and make it work this time. So many years have been devoted to this cause- so many months in hospital, so much money from the NHS, so much time and effort from friends and family. I know it feels as though these reasons should leave me reaching for recovery but for me, before perhaps I let go of my ED I need to suceed at it first. Where I feel all other areas of my life are currently failing I need to succeed somewhere. No goals yet- lets see how the next few days go.

No comments needed- just here to be thin, that's all.