Beauty From Pain

[meddymay]

Hey Everyone

So i haven't been here in ages!! I really need ana to help me out, and I need you all sooo much right now.
I've had so much going on in my life over the past 9 months or so since i was last here.
I split up with my boyfriend, quit my job and went back to college.

I recognise some of the names still from the last time i was here.

Okay, so here's a lil bit about me.

I'm Meddy, 18 years old, 19 on May 13th
I'm from South Wales, UK
Here are my stats:
5'7 tall.
133lbs.

Measurements:

36"
27"
36"


Basically I'm super curvy and big boned, I absolutely hate my figure.
I know i could never be a size zero as my bones are too wide.
I'll happily settle for a uk size 8.
Currently i'm a uk 10-12.

I feel ugly, and i feel fat. I hate the way i look and i hate myself for letting myself get this way. I wish i could just fast and stop eating but i can't.
My self control sucks, and so does my motivation.

I NEED to lose weight, it's not a want, its a must and it's a matter of life and death at the moment. i can't carry on the way I am. it's depressing me, and ruining my life. it's upsetting and nausiating.

I want the perfect abs, the flat stomach, i'd freaking kill for my hip bones to stick out, and for people to tell me i need to put on weight. I hate it. Hate hate hate the way i look.


My goal is to get a good figure by my 19th birthday. I'm having an underware party at a nightclub for my bday and I NEED to look freaking hot. I need to look the best, i need to have a good figure. i cant be the fat girl, and the fat one out of everyone any more.

It's time for a change.

xxx

[omnifabulous]

Good luck! Im around was around the same stats as you (5'7-5' and 130 lbs in high school (two years ago) living in a crack house and cocaine addiction/being poor got me to 119 but even at a lower weight I managed to lose 8 lbs in 2 weeks, I completly changed my diet eating only one break stick for lunch, or mandarin oranges with a soy chicken patty for dinner, only drank water and lots of it, exercised about 1 and a half hours 3 times a week and it was hard work but I got there and I know you can too! You have plenty of time till your bday just dont give up even after a binge, my bday is exactly a month before yours and I want to lose 5 lbs by then and I know we can both make our goals you just have to stick to them! Im sure there are lots of people here who will support you too.

[meddymay]

aw thanks chica!

I'm actually the same height as you then if we're being precise lol! I'm 5'7.5 too. Whoo, go team us.





Okay so today i kinda had some bad foods, but kept the cals low which is a plus i suppose.



Today I ate -

3 squares of chocolate - 122
1 Can of ministone soup - 120
1 red pepper - 42
1 mushroom - 30
2 quorn fillets. - 94
2 carrots -50
*binge*
1 small ciabatta roll - 101
2 doughnuts. 300
small plate of chips - 150

total - 1009


FUCK that's actually freaking loads when you think about it like that.

AGGHH!! Stupid freaking binge.
I'm blaming my mum for ordering chips and making me want them. The smell just made me crumble,i couldn't help it.

Exercise wise I've done 150 crunches which works out to be -161 calories.
meaning my total calorie intake for today is 848 cals.

So why do i feel so fucking full?
Why do i feel like a bottomless pit if i haven't actually had that many calories.
I mean like when i list all the foods, it seems loooads, but mainly low cal things.
I'm disgusted with myself for eating the doughnuts too. I didn't even like the ones that were bought, i only ever like krispy kremes, so why did i eat them??

AGH. Stupid lack of self control.
Grr. So i need to get my college tutor to sign my gym membership card thing on thursday to allow me to get into the gym for £1.70 (about $3) which is super cheap, considering they've got BRAND new everything there.
I spent an hour on the crossstepper the other day, it felt so rewarding seeing the calories mount up and up and up.
Did 500 cals in an hour which isnt that bad really.
As of friday, i will be there every single day without fail. GYM GYM GYM. Bring it on. I need to look hot.

Tomorrow, i'm gonna try and aim for just protein and raw veggies all day.
So quorn fillets (94 cals for 2 is quite good!!) Raw carrots/mushrooms/peppers what do we think about this combo?? is that too much carbs in those peppers? hmmm

Just knowing that someone out there is reading this spurs me on to do well.

xxx

[ashling]

Hye huns...
Wow ur doing great.. i use to do 500 sit ups every byt bt knw just use a tonimg belt for and hour r two. there amazing..
loving ur journal already...

[meddymay]

Hey Ashling!

Love your name, my friends daughter has the same name .

Do those toning belts actually work?
Do you see like a major improvement with them?





Right, yesterday, all you need to know is 200cals up until 8pm.
then....binge

Today, i woke up well late, ate a whole bowl of jelly - 40cals
and plonked my ass onto the computer to try and write an essay which is 3 weeks overdue.

I will add updates as the day evening progresses.

Oh and i have a new plan to stop me binging at 2am.

NYTOL!
Thats right, i'm gonna freaking drug myself to sleep with herbal stuff so i cant wake up and raid the pantry lol!

[ThinMint06]

remain calm. breathe..... wow, you are sooo hard on yourself. okay, i get you're hating on yourself but why??? you're still restricting. i mean you're eating less than you're suppose to, you're still going to lose. hang in there, baby, just jump right back in

[meddymay]

I don't know why i'm so hard on myself, I don't know why i hate myself so much.
I get told by guys that i'm hot and stuff, but i just can't see it. i can't see what other people tell me. When I look in the mirror, all i seem to see are scars and fat and everything i hate about myself.
Before I go out with my girls clubbing, i usually have like a mini nervous breakdown, and am being on the verge of tears about how i look. No matter what clothing i buy, nothing looks good on me, my girlies are always like " oh my god that looks so nice" but all i see is my fatty hips and the flesh I can grab. sometimes I just can't look at myself in the mirror becuase it upsets me on what I see.

So saturday, I had my dance lesson in the afternoon, which was an hour and a half long, so that must have burnt some good cals off.

In the night, I did some promo work. So that involved, walking around the clubbing areas of my city for 4 hours. Yes 4 hours non stop. AND it was Rugby match day so the streets were sooo crowded.

Finished doing my promo work at midnight, so then i got changed in the car and went to the club! whoo, danced for about 2 hours and then went home cos i wasnt enjoying the night.

I ate some crap in the day, I had a Samosa, Soup, choccie and crisps,. I couldn't bring myself to read the cals cos i know i did bad.

GYM tomorrow for 4 hours. Bring it.
Gonna work my butt off on that stepper machine. Me and that machine have some unfinished business.

x

[ashling]

Yeah the toning belts wrk realy weell usualy if i use un for an hour r two i can see a small difference straight away..And theres deof been a big difeerence oer the last few months..
Like my mate who is much thiNNER but has kinda love handels is always yaping bt how am i able to wear half tops..

[musicwithoutlimelight]

DON'T GIVE UP! Just keep thinking about your party, and how great you'll feel when you reach your goal! Think about how much fun you'll have with all your friends and how great you'll look in all the pictures that will be taken!

I'm rooting for ya!