An honest conversation with myself...

[musicwithoutlimelight]

So, these past couple days have been good and bad. I stepped on the scale and discovered that I had tipped 140lbs. I was (and still am) devastated about that. But I was more confused than anything! Honestly, I've been eating lately, but I haven't been eating enough to GAIN weight. It doesn't make sense to me at all. The only explanation I can think of is that I've screwed up my metabolism so badly that when I eat, I automatically gain weight. I didn't believe in starvation mode - it defies physics - but now I'm seriously starting to wonder.

Actually, there could be another reason too. After a year of not drinking at all, I kind of started again. It began over the Christmas holidays, with the obligatory work-get-togethers and parties. You know how it is. It starts out so harmless at first, but I guess I got a little carried away. I've been going out with friends on the weekends more often, and it seems my vice of choice lately has been beer, the worst possible carb-o-lific drink out there. (With musicians, it seems like its either beer or Jagermeister.)

Anyways, so I'm thinking that could possibly be doing me in, too. When I was at my heaviest, it was just after I got back from a summer of instructing gliding out in Gimli, Manitoba. It was a crazy, booze-filled summer outdoors, and I had a great time, but when I left, I was close to 160lbs. I look back at pictures of myself from that time, and I'm disgusted that I even got out of bed in the morning. When I got home, I pretty much cut all alcohol out of my diet for about a year.

And here I am. So, I'm not sure what to do. About the drinking, about my metabolism...I was lying in bed last night, having one of my typical anxiety attacks that keep me awake and staring at the ceiling, when I had a bit of an epiphany. Let me explain.

I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder of any kind. I don't usually fast, and the only time I ever purged was with the asssitance of a small bottle of Ipecac. (A disasterous episode that scared the crap out of me that I never EVER want to repeat.) I can't make myself throw up, and I can't make myself starve either. I don't think my brain completely follows the patterns of either ana or mia; instead, it tends to borrow characteristics and habits from each one. I don't really think of myself as having an EATING disorder, because I don't have problems eating. I usually eat on the scarce side of normal. My issues with aren't with food.

My issues are with my weight. It's like I have a WEIGHT disorder.

My entire being is wrapped up in that number on the scale. My happiness, my frustration, my obsession, my self-confidence, they're all completely tied into that superficial number on the scale and are completely independent of any of the supposedly "meaningful" things in life that should matter and SHOULD dictate my emotions.

If I step on the scale in the morning, and I'm down a pound or two, great. It'll be a kick-ass, confident, productive day. If it says I've gained a pound or two, EVEN if I know its just food or water weight from the day before, my world automatically spirals out of control and my day begins to unravel from there on. I lose my will to live, to socialize, to get dressed and make myself presentable and go to work.

I don't feel any sort of satisfaction, inner torment, control, anxiety, what have you, through food. It all comes from those stupid daily morning weigh-ins. I actually have a fairly normal, if somewhat detatched relationship with food. Eating is something I do out of habit, without really giving it much thought. Grocery shopping is a big event for me though. I love it and despise it at the same time. I love it because I love being creative with what I eat, but I hate it because I always regret everything I've bought afterwards. I can't help but think, "Why are you buying food when you're trying to lose weight?" So, whatever I've bought usually just sits in the cupboard or fridge until it spoils and I'm forced to throw it out or eat it.

So I'm not really sure what to think about myself anymore. Obviously, there's no such thing as a Weight Disorder. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'll be happy when I'm 125lbs. Then again, when I was 160, I was positive I'd be happy when I was 135lbs, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe 125 is the magic number.

And then again, maybe I'm just deceiving myself.

[Hollister76]

^You are being deceived.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but it is deception. Numbers will NEVER satisfy you. Take it from me, the scale obsessed chick.
It won't make you happy. Ever. Granted, for a while you may think you're satisified, but you won't be.

I hope you realize this, girl We love you too much to let you be deceived.

[Jennifer]

Kep your chin up girly

When i was 140 i was convinced i would be happy at 126, now it makes me sick!

Is there any way you can stop weighing yourself and see how you feel without the numbers dictating your life? The more you obsess about the numbers the more likely you are to develop some sort of disordered eating - you will NEED the scales to move down and down and down.

Have you spoken to anyone about it?? If you can, do - nip it in the bud early hun

Jen x x x

[musicwithoutlimelight]

I'm kind of aware of the fact that I'm deceiving myself. I mean, when I was 135 pounds, I knew that I was a somewhat more satisfied with myself then I was when I was 160, but it still wasn't good enough. So, I suppose that its all relative. If I'm a little bit happier with myself with each pound I lose, then at least I'm making progress! Even if I'm never completely satisfied, as long as I can accept the fact that I will NEVER be 100% satisfied with myself, then I guess slightly less fat is better than fat and slightly less miserable is better than miserable.

I've been toying the with idea of joining a gym. I'm not very motivated person, so I know I wouldn't stick to a program on my own. Working out at home in my tiny apartment is out of the question, as is exercising outside. (It's been -42 degrees C for days now where I live.) The idea of working at someplace like Club Fit is appealing because it'll give me something to do in the evenings instead of my normal routine of eating and sitting in front of the TV all night.

The only thing is, I'm terrified of gaining weight, even if it is muscle. Or maybe, I'm terrified of getting bulky and looking like a guy. I like the delicate, fragile, bone-thin look. I'm horribly out of shape though. It's disgusting. I have no cardio endurance anymore. I photographed this industry show the other day where I did alot of crouching down, and bending over, and standing up again in order to get the shot, but the next day, I was SO sore. My leg muscles hurt for days afterwards. I didn't say anything to anyone about it because I was embarrassed of my body's reaction.

I've been thinking about this for months, actually, the idea of joining a gym. I KNOW I should be doing some sort of exercise, so what's holding me back??? I just gotta quit talking about it, and just do it.

[anntastic]

I used to have that muscle-gaining fear as well when I was at my lowest, and I didn't want my legs to bulk up so I pretty much avoided exercise. Plus it was always just so boring to me. Over half a year or so I put on 10 lbs or so and was finally diagnosed with ADD. The upside to that is that now I've got a prescription for Adderall which allows me to focus on working out and I'm able to do tons of cardio and it has really re-shaped my body. I used to get sooo fed up with my flabby stomach but just running daily has tightened it up. I would recommend joining a gym.

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Ok, so I've decided I'm just gonna go do it. Tonight, after work, I'm going to go down to the Club Fit by my place and look into getting a membership.

On another note, it seems that I've plateaued horribly these past couple months. I haven't really figured out why, but instead of dwelling on it, I'm just going to make up my mind as to what to do about it. I've heard people on this forum say that following the 2468 is brilliant for breaking plateaus. Any feedback on this one?

In theory, it seems like it should work, based on the concept of shaking up your metabolism. By variying your caloric intake every day, it should keep your body guessing.

I've attempted the 2468 a number of times, but for some reason, I always seem to get hung up on the 600-cal Day. I'm not sure why. I seems easier to find things to eat to add up to 200, or even 400, but finding the right combination of foods to equal 600 always seems to screw me up. By the time that day rolls around, 600 calories seems like a hell of alot.

BUT, I'm going to give it a valiant effort. I'm quite sick of this feeling of being in limbo and going nowhere while my weight loss has stalled out.

Funny story, last night, I rushed over to a photography class after work, and I didn't have time to grab a coffee or a bite to eat. So when I got there, the vending machine was calling my name. I was just about to get a bag of chips to shut my stomach up, when this little voice in my head came out of nowhere and said, "What do you want more, those chips or Regan?" He's this guy I have a thing for. And of course, I replied to the voice in my head, "Well, Regan, of course!" And so I held out, only to give in later and get a snack-size bag of pretzels. At least it was no fat and less than 200 cals. I guess a compromise with myself is better than a binge, right?

[constance]

A compromise is always better than a binge!
Congratulations for making the right choice!!

I understand about your fascination with the number of the scale. I didn't have that before, it was size with me....but it has been turning into a number lately. Hmm...not necessarily a good turn for me.

We will struggle through though, I am sure!

constance

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Yesterday ROCKED! Well, I didn't get to the gym like I was intending to, because I just didn't have the energy, but calorie-wise, I stayed on track.

For breafast: fat-free yogurt 35cals

For lunch: baby carrots 35cals
stick of cheddar cheese 80cals

For dinner: fat-free yogurt 35cals
steamed zucchini 16cals

I was drinking coffee today too, but I'm not going to count that since I CAN'T give it up. It's my allowable vice. Plus, I only use sweetener, not sugar, and cream. Anyways, my total for the day was 201 calories.

As usual, when I'm restricting, I had terrible insomnia last night. I woke up at about 4:00 in the morning and tossed and turned till about 5:30 when I finally fell asleep again. I wish I knew what the physiological reason was behind this, since I've heard other girls on this board mention they have the same problem if they go to bed hungry.

On the bright side though, when I woke up this morning and weighed myself, I was back down to 139lbs!

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Well, it's Monday, after a completely carb-o-lific, horrible weekend. I caved on Friday night, and it was all downhill from there. Friday I went to this party at a friends house, and there were all these fabulous appetizers there that people had brought, and I couldn't resist. I didn't want to offend anyone either, when they offered, "Here - try this! I made it myself!" Kind of an awkward, unavoidable situation.

Anyways, I'm NOT going to dwell on it. I'm back on track today. All I've had so far is a Garden Vegetable sandwich with Herb and Garlic cream cheese from Tim Hortons, and a Honey Crueller. It's dinner time, and I'm kinda hungry.

I was too scared to step on the scale this morning though. Maybe tomorrow. It all depends on if I eat anything when I go home from work this evening.

[constance]

Weekends can be such a drag filled with temptations. Fresh week, fresh start....that is what I am doing too!!

Hang in there.

constance

[Jennifer]

I'm having a nightmare at the mo as well hun. We can get through this. We are so much stronger than food.

Keep your chin up and stay strong. Tomorrow is a new day, a positive, clean, fresh sheet to start again

jen x x x

[optimistic20]

[musicwithoutlimelight]

I have to say, I'm really embarrassed to be back on here, even though it's my own freaking journal! I've messed up so bad, I let myself go, and I gained about ten pounds. The most terrifying thing was realizing that none of my clothes fit anymore. I look awful. My anxiety attacks are much worse, and it's interfering with the rest of my life.

I've got to get things under control. I'm starting a new job on the 1st of next month, and I want to get things in my life sorted out before I begin. It's absolutely imperative that I do. I have the opportunity to start out where no one has any opinions of me, so the first impression I make is going to be pretty important. I DON'T want anyone to think I'm fat or out of shape.

This is it. I absoloutely cannot screw this up.

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Breakfast

- Homemade frozen fruit/yogurt smoothie with raspberries and mango
- 1/2 this Sesame bar thing I picked up at Organic Planet yesterday.

Lunch

- About a cup of whole wheat pasta with red peppers and tomato sauce
- The other half of that Sesame bar.
- Sugarfree Rockstar energy drink

Dinner

- Low Fat Fruit&Fibre muffin
- A handful of baby carrots and brocoli w/ a bit of ranch dip

Probably higher in calories then I would have liked, but NOT a binge, and that's what matters to me at this point. On the downside, my sort-of-boyfriend-sort-of-ex is coming over this evening to maybe watch/go to a movie, and he's all about the popcorn. He got me hooked on it when we were together, and he's really hard to say no to.

What to do...?

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Well last night wasn't a complete diaster. I ate things I shouldn't have, but it didn't turn into a binge!

Snacks w/ Paul

- 2 pieces of saltwater taffy
- A little less than half a bag of Smart-Pop microwave popcorn.

And the best part is, when I woke up this morning, I was down two pounds from the last time I weighed myself!