An honest conversation with myself...

[Hollister76]

Congrats on surviving the movies! I always get the largest size Diet Coke that they have to avoid the temptation of the popcorn, but I'm bursting at the seams by the middle of the movie Peeing in your pants kind of ruins the date, lol.

Hope today's a skinny day for you :^)

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Thanks hun!

Today was...ok. I successfully fended off the binge-mode all day, even when I went where temptation is always the greatest for me....the mall. I walked past Purdy's, and even though I have a gift card and I LOVE their chocolate, I didn't even look twice. I avoided Cinnzeo, and Starbucks as well. I just told myself, "Look, you don't need that. There is no reason for today to turn into a binge." It's the hardest thing, saying no to mia, but it's such peace of mind for me when I do.

Brunch w/ Paul

- Scrambled Egg sandwich on sprouted grain, flourless bread.
- A glass of 100% juice.
- 5 (ugh) pieces of saltwater taffy, left over from the night before.
- 2 1/2 Planet Organic gingersnap cookies w/ 1% milk.

Mid-afternoon Snack

- Raw brocoli and baby carrots w/ Southwest Ranch dip.
- One scoop of gelato in a waffle bowl.
- A few sips of Paul's unsweetened latte.

Dinner

- Baby carrots w/ Southwest Ranch dip.
- 1/2 a cucumber, cut into slices and marinated in white vinegar.

Damn sort-of boyfriend. I seem to eat crappy things like gelato and ginersnaps when he's around. Even though he's pretty skinny himself, he exists on junkfood.

[constance]

Keep patting yourself on the back!! Staying out of binge mode is a priority for you right now and you are doing great. Make sure you are guzzling your water, I find it really helps.

constance

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Breakfast

- 1 cup of Vector cereal w/ 1% milk
- multivitamin

Mid-morning Snack

- Cranberry/Blueberry Bran muffin

Lunch

- Mediteranean Spinach wrap on a whole wheat tortilla

Dinner

- baby carrots w/ southwest ranch dip
- cucumber slices in white vinegar
- yogurt cup
- One snack-size package of All-Bran Snack bites w/ a spoonful of peanut
butter.

Wow. Looking back on today, I actually ate alot of food! It didn't feel like it though, because I found myself feeling hungry most of the day. I caught myself getting into that dinner-time binge mode this evening when I came home from work, but I cut it off at the All Bran Snack Bites. A friend of mine wants me to go drinking with him since it's St. Patricks Day, but I think I'm gonna head to the gym and run on the treadmill for a bit instead, burn some fat off my lazy ass!

TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!

Hope everyone else is having a great day.

[musicwithoutlimelight]

So I DID go the gym this evening and did a wicked zen-like 45 minutes on the elliptical. About halfway through, I was starting to feel like I was gonna die, and then this song came on my mp3 player that gave me a second wind. After that, there was no stopping me. Even I couldn't believe I had that kinda intensity within myself! When it was all said and done, I was extremely out of breath, but the machine said I burned off 450 calories.

Hehe.

I think I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning.

[constance]

Awesome job!! Your eating was healthy, so that is good....your exercise was monumental!! Getting that second wind can be such a blessing...just when you think you are going to lose it, you get it all back and then some.

Was the scale kind to you this morning??

constance

[meltmyselflikeice]

That's an impressive workout! It's great to have music that motivates to keep going Can I ask what the song was? And do you have any other great 'exercise' boost songs to share?

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Thanks guys! Unfortunately, the scale was NOT kind to me this morning. In fact, instead, it told me that I had gained .2lbs. It's not much, I know, and I could safely assume that I haven't gained or lost at all really, but I was still really really hoping that my weight would have gone down. I guess I just have to restrict more.

But, my day is still ruined. I start my new job in exactly two weeks, and I'm panicking again. I hate how I'm feeling. I only have ONE pair of jeans that still fits properly cuz I've gained fifteen fucking pounds from my lowest weight in, oh, three months or so. Disgusting. I'm officially fat again. My love handles spill out over the top of my jeans, and my stomach hangs out over my waistband when I sit down. I feel like vomitting, I'm so upset with myself. And Paul wonders why I have panic attacks in the middle of the night.

I'm so ashamed with myself, I just want to hide in big baggy sweaters and stay in bed. Going to work is bad enough, knowing that everyone has probably noticed how fat I've gotten. All I want to do is make it through the day, go home, and lose myself in the make-believe reality of TV and Ana. I wish I didn't have friends sometimes, so no one would invite me out to do things, and I could just hide at home all the time, or at least until I'm skinny again.

Man, I'm having such a down day. WHY did I have to be up .2lbs this morning??? Next time I weigh myself, am I going to be up ANOTHER .2lbs???

Blech.

[musicwithoutlimelight]

So far today:

Breakfast

- Homemade fruit/yogurt smoothie with raspberries and blueberries.
- Slice of toast on flourless bread w/ peanut butter.

Lunch

- 1 cup of Singapore Curry Noodles w/ red peppers and prawns.

Mid-Afternoon Snack

- Trailmix Cookie

"Dinner" aka small bites of things between 6:30 and 8:30pm

- 7 French Fries
- 1 spoonful of Dairy Queen Blizzard
- 3 cucumber slices in white vinegar
- package of All-Bran Snack Bites
- a pina colada

....AN EFFIN PINA COLADA!!!??? What was I thinking? My friend Trevor wanted to go play pool this evening, and I was just going to have a dark rum and diet coke (my vice of choice), but they were all out of diet coke. So I was an idiot and had a pina colada instead.

I shouldn't have gone out at all. It turned out to be a diaster anyways.

[constance]

I know it is a drag to see the scale up...even with such a small amount, however, you have to put it in perspective. At least I have to when that happens to me. Talking myself through it so I don't lose my mind! lol

You know it in your head, you said so...0.2lbs is virtually nothing.
It is a trip to the washroom.
It is a little retained water.
It is regular, bodily fluctuations.

Know that this 0.2 can be gone tomorrow...and then some!!

Try to be positive. I know it is hard to turn your emotions around when things start off negative....use it to empower you. Increase your determination to see it gone tomorrow.


I am rooting for you!

constance

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Thanks Constance! *hugs* I'm trying not to weigh myself every day, for this particular reason, so I'm weighing myself every TWO days instead. I'm gonna be extra good these next two days and hopefully things will be looking up on Thursday morning!

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Awww HELL yeah!

I wasn't supposed to weigh myself this morning, but when I woke up, I was down another pound to 148.6!!!!

Today is gonna be a great day, and not just because it's my day off, lol!

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Breakfast

- Homemade fruit/yogurt smoothie with raspberries and blueberries

Mid-morning

- Slice of toast with peanut butter on flourless multigrain bread

Lunch

- Singapore Curry Noodles w/ red peppers and prawns

Mid-afternoon

- About 200g of Organic Planet Asian Broccoli salad.
- Half a slice of Organic Planet carrot cake.

Dinner

- Vegan Banana-Carob mini-loaf

Well, I wasn't even planning on eating anything for dinner either, but when I got home, I got into a bit of a situation with my younger brother (who is also my roomate) and my stress level went through the roof. I ate that mini-loaf without even thinking about it.

I probably shouldn't have had the carrot cake either, but Paul was having a bad day at work, so I dropped in on him and suprised him with it. It's super-healthy carrot cake too, with spelt flour, and walnuts, and thick grated carrot, and crushed pineapple. It's soooo good!

I should probably just stay away from Organic Planet altogether! Every time I go, I end up spending too much money and treating myself when I really shouldn't be.

On the bright side, I went to the gym before lunch and did another 45 minutes of the elliptical and burned off about 440 calories! At least that's SOMETHING I did right today.

[constance]

Congratulations on the 148.6!!! How wonderful! It all worked out...you ate well, even with the carrot cake treat...plus the exercise. I wish I could get my butt exercising again.

You are doing it!

constance

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Breakfast

- a cup of Vector cereal w/ 1% milk

Lunch

- 4 Tim Hortons Timbits
- side ceaser salad
- half a peach yogurt cup

Mid-Afternoon

- bottle of strawberry flavored 1% milk

Dinner

- 3 green onion cakes dipped in sour cream
- two bites of Paul's donut
- a few sips of Paul's Iced Cappucino

Well, I haven't binged in about five days, which is pretty huge for me, considering I'm getting out of a two-month, extended binge! I'm trying really really hard to isolate my triggers, and things that put me into that binge mindset in the first place. I think that's going to be the key to getting back into heavy restricting the way that I used to when I was at my lowest weight.

At the same time though, looking back on my posts of the last five days, I'm undoing all my hard work with all the snacking that I do throughout the day. The little bites of things here and there, especially when I'm with Paul. I didn't need the strawberry milk this afternoon either, and actually, I felt a little bit sick after I drank it. I think it was just too much dairy all at once, and for a couple minutes, my stomach felt a bit off and I got really tired. I could have put my head down on my desk and taken a nap!

I thought about starting a yogurt fast for a few days (a la Constance!), but then I realized that I'd probably just binge on crappy junk food when those three days was up. I never purge, but I get myself into these binge-fast cycles where the "binge" part usually lasts longer than the "fast" part. I really want to be done with that! I need to start being acountable to myself again.

Anybody else a little worried about Easter Long Weekend and all the chocolate that is probably going to be involved??? I'm super stoked that I have three days off in a row, but I'm supposed to go out to my parents place for dinner on Sunday, and I KNOW there's gonna be chocolate because my mom works at Purdy's!!!!

Oooh I'm also a little worried about Saturday too, because my gliding zone is having their start up meeting in the afternoon, and when there's pilots involved, beer is sure to follow!

I'll check in soon!