Alice...Reluctantly returning

[AlicetheCamel]

Hey all...

Wow, it's been a pretty long time - I very much doubt anyone remembers me, to be honest! I pretty much left when my father passed away almost a year ago. I wanted to get better, not waste my time any more. You know - be happy. I've tried so hard - I worked for my exams, I had a wonderful boyfriend, I started sixth form, but now I've gained so much weight, I just can't stand being fat any more. I feel hideous; none of my clothes fit me properly, I look atrocious when I dance and I'm just plain greedy now. Life seems to be one long, uncontrollable binge and I just can't be like this any longer. It's time for me to gain control again, be that through fasting, restricting or just managing normal meals. I'm sorry, but I'm just not strong enough to do this by myself any more, and I'm too ashamed to seek help where I once would have. I've made some mistakes and had some pretty crappy luck. Maybe in time I'll feel able to or need to share some of it with you all. I just hope this forum can give me the support and the opportunity to help others it once did. Thank you for reading this - I appreciate it, even if you don't have time to post.

I'm not sure what my exact plans are for food tomorrow...I cooked myself breakfast/lunch in advance earlier this evening, but I don't know if I'll eat them. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

xxx

[omnifabulous]

welcome to the boards homie!! I wish you luck on your weightloss endevours.. I know that is not even remotely spelled right.. anyway yeah if you ever want a diet buddy or something leave me a comment, I want to try kekwick, and right now im easing myself (horribly) into atkins, and see what happens from there.

[constance]

Hi Alice,

I remember you...I thought your name was curious! lol
I find the boards are very slow lately, but I keep checking for support and encouragement anyway....I will cheer you on!

How much would you like to lose? I know you do not want to put your weight, I don't either lol but how much would you like to lose to get to your first goal? We can encourage each other!

constance

[omnifabulous]

maybe the three of us can do a diet as a trio since we are the only survivors left... lol man im weird. Hey are we all american? Maybe the internet broke in europe, and upstate NY. Im so sorry you had to have me write such retardism in your journal Alice you can delete it if you want. Oh yeah and you shouldnt hesitate to share things with people here on the board if you feel comfortable doing so, I mean I write alot of things maybe I shouldnt in my journal like about when I was addicted to heroin and what the hell else ever I write about and alot of people are supportive, I dont think I have ever gotten a negative comment and that is amazing.

[emmariikka]

Omnifobulous, your post was funny, not retarded, just plain funny, thank you for that! Yeah, it's snowing quite bad in Finland (it's actually a real storm!), I got stucked to traffic lights twice and some guys had to push my car to get it moved.. So maybe the lines are down !

Hey Alice, welcome! I share your thoughts about long, everlasting binge... It's so gross and the worst thing in bingeing is, in my opinion, the feeling that you know you should stop but you just can't...

I've noticed too that the board is so quiet nowadays, but hey, you don't have to bee sorry when asking for support, we're all here just to give you support when you need it! So keep on posting how you doing, I will read it even though I might not know how to help or what to say... But maybe somebody else does. Don't give up, girl!!! Have a nice rest of the week.

[constance]

Canadian here....and it is flipping snowing!! The snow should be gone right now, this winter has been weird. I am really ready for the snow to be gone....it is spring, afterall.

constance

[AlicetheCamel]

[constance]

[omnifabulous]

so im at 8 stone? Yeah i dont konw what diet plan to follow cause i suck, if you think of one ill do it with you,.

[MamaOf3]

I just wanted to say that my name is also Alice. I used to get teased with that song all the time. Not many people know it anymore. LOL.

I am not familiar with uk sizes...I don't know what stones are. I am also here for support if ya need. I'd like to think that I am pretty good at it. Candy and I are buddies. We are both 4ft9, its great because we understand what its like to be small. People think that 100 pounds is low...but for someone our height, its not. They just don't understand. Anyway...I'm here.

[kells]

not got time to write much but i'm here from Sunny England ( Not) if anyone wants support or just some one to talk to i will try and help

love kells xxx

[AlicetheCamel]

Hey

I hope everyone's ok - thank you for your kind words. Sorry, I don't really feel like replying to you all individually. I'm in a bit of an apathetic mood.

I should really be doing schoolwork, now - I have mountains of the stuff and I know I need to go and ask for an extension on one essay tomorrow, already. It was set a fortnight ago and I should have done it on Easter Sunday. There was no real reason why I didn't, nor why I'm not doing it now, but I just don't feel like it at the moment.

I'm feeling a bit depressed right now...So I apologise for what is rapidly becoming a very self-centered post. I've eaten so much; my stomach feels bloated and gross. Well I feel gross in general, truth be told. I really miss my dad right now. It's April in a few minutes; he died last April. I keep dreaming about him - the other day, I dreamt I was sitting somewhere, I think my parents' room, with this man who kept holding his stomach, as though he was in pain (Dad had pancreatic cancer.) and I didn't communicate with him. It was like I didn't recognise him. Then I realised eventually who he was, as we were getting up and I went to hug him - I was so glad to see him. But he wouldn't hug me, and he said he had to go, despite my begging and pleading for him to stay. I was crying in the dream and then sobbing when I woke up, and now I'm at it again. I hope my mum doesn't come up; I don't want her to see me like this. She doesn't need that. But I was tired from staying up last night (when will I learn?) this afternoon, so I had a "brief" nap, and I can't even remember what the dream was now. I cried when I woke up, though...How can you miss a person so much when they were just a shadow for so long and then utterly invisible for a year?! I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how one person can have such a huge impact on your life like that. Why do I still need him? It's not like I was even a total daddy's girl. And I feel dreadful, because I didn't know him. We lived together for 16 years and I never bothered to get to know him - he was just dad. At his funeral I was surprised by some things people said...I didn't feel like I was at the funeral of someone I was so closely related to. I feel like my grief is more for my mother and the effect his death's had on my life than for him, which is so wrong, but then I think of him and I miss him and love him so much...It's confusing.

The fact is, he was a good person and he died. So now he's totally gone and even the stuff that was his is dispersed - it's like any evidence of his being is almost being destroyed. I mean, I just got given £7000 inheritance from him (we had to wait until we'd sold our old house before we could inherit his money) and I'm meant to be happy about this? I don't know what he'd have wanted me to do, exactly. I know he was keen for me to go on the school trip to Russia, which was cancelled last year...It's running again this year and I'm going, but beyond that, what am I supposed to do? He didn't know what I'd be doing now and that kills me. He helped me choose my Options for A Levels at school, and he thought I should have taken less heavy-going subjects with regards to reading etc for them, but I was adamant I should take the subjects I did...Turns out he was right - I can't cope, I'm planning starving myself again and posting on a pro-anorexia forum at midnight. Ergh!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry for this rant...I just needed to get it out of my system, I think. Tomorrow I'm going to try really hard to skip meals and look slightly better by my jazz dance exam on Saturday. I look AWFUL in my dancing uniform at the moment, so that -has- to change by the time I take Intermediate Modern some time at the beginning of summer. I made myself rice like I usually do earlier, but hopefully I'll have the willpower to dump it and just dance at lunch; I need the practice! Thank you for reading and just for making me feel less of a nut. It helps so much to know I'm not totally alone in feeling like this.

I hope everyone has really good days tomorrow, and not just that their energy intake is low. xxx

[Freja]

Hey hun, I remember you from last year, though I never posted in your journal (I think). Anyway, welcome back! Though, of course, ideally it would be better if none of us actually felt the need to be here...

Incidentally, I lost my dad in April as well, though it was three years ago. I still dream about him quite often, which is both a curse and a blessing. I know that I don't have a clue what you're going through, it's different for everyone, but I do understand the feeling of dreaming about someone who is no longer here, and that horrible empty feeling you have when you wake up. I keep dreaming the same thing, just that he's around and we do really mundane things, and all of a sudden I remember that he's gone, and I ask him how he can be here when he's dead. And then he gets really upset because he realises that he's dead too, and I reach out for him but he disappears. Every time I dream this I feel like I'm losing him all over again, and even though I've had the same dream so many times each time I'm equally shocked when I realise he's not alive anymore. It's fucked up.

Anyway, I'm sorry for posting this depressing story in your journal, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Also, it does get easier.

If you ever need a chat, just PM me.

Good luck with everything!

[constance]

Alice, do not apologize for sharing your heart in your journal...that is what it is for.

Alice & Freja...my heart goes out to both of you. I cannot imagine losing my father, even at my age (in my thirties). You two are both young and of course your lives are changed forever at the loss of your fathers.

**hugs**

constance

[AlicetheCamel]

Hey!

Thank you so much, Freja, Constance - you're both good friends. Freja, I'm so sorry about your dad. It's great when you dream, in a way - you have a dad again, right? I always feel so happy and carefree, just like a child, and then when you wake, a kind of weight settles on you, with that lost, empty feeling? Unpleasant.

Last night I stayed up posting and doing Psychology work nearly all night - I had an apple and a mug of coffee with semi-skimmed milk at around 4am. When I eventually went to bed, it took me forever to sleep - my head was too full! When I woke up I felt kind of sick, but I wanted to have something to keep me going through school, wake me up, kick-start my metabolism - you know! So I had a medium-sized banana and another mug of coffee. School was good; I had Psychology first, in which I discovered nearly no one else had bothered to do the work so I hadn't really needed to stay up all night, grr!! But having done the classwork the night before, I was really ahead so I think my teacher was impressed History was second, which was interesting as ever. And if you're in a lesson, you can't eat without feeling conspicuous. It's wonderful I had a portion of rice at break, just half of one of those instant packets - it looks like more than a sandwich lunch and fills you up more, but it has far fewer calories At lunch I was going to practice for my dancing exam this weekend, but this wonderful ex-teacher from my school who does charity work for Ethiopia came in and I thought my time would be better used helping to collect money for Christian Aid with her. My friend and I jangled a bucket at people and we got £34 in the lunch hour, woooh! It doesn't sound like a lot, but I guess it is in Ethiopia; that's enough to pay for AIDS medication for nearly 5 people for a month. While I was walking around doing that though, I had half a piece of flapjack It was really sugary-tasting, too - I feel really bad about it, actually :S Maybe I'll get spottier and learn my lesson one day...NO MORE FLAPJACK!!!

When I got home I was so tired I just crashed!! I had 15 grapes and an Options hot chocolate drink and then slept until about 6pm, when I got up and walked to acrobatics (about 15-20 minutes away) and did a half hour class. It was the last lesson of term so it was more fun than intense exercise, but I guess it was better than nothing.

Then we had tea when I got back :S A fillet of fish with this semi-batter thing - it felt oily as hell! And peas, which I can cope with and mashed potato which I love, but it's not exactly low cal...argh!!! I guess I will just h have to try harder tomorrow.

I'm going to bed soonish - I'm tired. GOOD LUCK to everyone, though. I hope you all have good days in every sense of the word. Night night!

xxx