abstracts

[hiller]

I am so tired. I feel like shit. I binge and purge. I lie to my councilor. I lie to my friends. And those who I tell don’t take me seriously. I’m fucked
And Brend is getting back with his girlfriend. Which is a stab in the heart. Even though I know I can NEVER have him. At least not now. I think she is athletic and healthy and normal. And me, I’m ugly and big-boned. I live in Montreal, not Toronto. And he doesn’t think twice about what I said when I opened to him. I hate that I told him what I did. My soul hurts whenever I reveal it. So that’s why I eat myself up from inside out while desperately trying to starve myself. To disappear. I ache for him. I ache for any Hartman boy to love me. I do. I would settle very easily for Mat. What is wrong with me? Help me fade away so I don’t feel this emptiness.
I need a male companion to tell me that I’m not hideous. But I don’t know if that will ever happen.
My heart is empty. No one will love me.
I don’t let them into my emptiness even if they try. There is example after example.
It bothered Bren when he found out about Serge. I could here it in his tone.
Go ahead and fuck her. And buy her vintage hats. And I’ll just sit at the table eating my eggs for breakfast while you smoke a joint and play Sudoko. And you all ignore how lonely I am. And how true to myself I am. No cocaine for New Years. But after, when I’m comfortable, I try the white gold. I wish I could have it all.
I just need a connection and I’d be there. All night. With everyone. Fucking myself over just to forget about food and my hideously beastly frumpy body. hips and bones that exhaust my surroundings.
Fuck you. Go work all day and lie and say you’ll call me but doing that just leaves me with the one thread of hope that keeps me loving you. Boys don’t understand how I work. They think I am cool and uncaring but I just can’t show myself because it’s hard enough just to walk down the god damn street without falling apart and wanting to throw up my last meal. If you call melba toast a meal. I wish the night would never come so I would never have to eat or sleep.
This is not normal.

[gonnamakeit76]

[eternalsatori]

In my opinion, it took a shitload of courage to say what you just said, because most girls (including me) like to lie to themselves and pretend they don't care about what the male gender thinks about them. But we do, and it hurts, and you can at least admit it to yourself.

I know it's a long road, but try and believe that someday it will get shorter and not so dark. Until then, we're all here for you. Chin up